The Reluctant Spy Talks

     I set out to be a prominent fiction writer, had the talent and the training and encouragement to develop into an extraordinary poet.   Little else.  Well, and drive.  A need, really, to write after awhile.   Now I know my words will forever only be political or religious, not matter what I do with them.  There can be no going back before, and just being a popular writer based on my talent, readability, ideas.  Forever they will cage this bird.      I never meant for the things to happen which did.  I had no idea I was going to be treated any differently than other people...   well, there was one massive clue, like a dream...  nothing else.  I did not see my life any differently than others, at first.     Even now the pretense of normalcy is all that gets me by.   Pretending nothing horrifying has happened in my life, or is yet to come.   I have yet to have a reckoning, for myself...

     A certain level of allies with power are needed to sustain oneself in the shadow world.  Where all the different powers rule from behind the scenes, and some hate you with a passion you understand, when you let yourself be filled with the hatreds the war has left in your chest.   The first time I understood my actions were having consequences, I was coming out of a near black out, where I had ranted against doctors, which was stupid.  My blaming them for my pain is not something  I do in my mind. That frame of mind came as a consequence of the brain washing, I guess.  The drugs they put in the water in my refrigerator.  They told me this was happening, and  I knew the tv actors could hear me, were addressing me...   I did not understand why????   I did not understand who I was dealing with, what was happening in this world, how I was being used, or by which side, if I shared their philosophy or not?   I still though...