I come in here... relunctantly. I am reluctant to do much of anything.
Once a man had a plan... though his plan only worked in a fictional world, that was the world that he was taught, and not knowing any better, he tried to use to the plan on the real world, which was intentionally hidden from him.
Before you can have a plan, you have to know who the players are... before I will act in war, I have to know that Justice or Expediency requires. I never want to conquer, control, or corral, or... I stepped into a religious world I did not understand and a spy world I understood even less. I could tell I was not in control and rebelled against that. Others had their reasons to use me, I tried to learn what I could about the world, why this could be happening yet no had even come to my door? I asked for counsel, but that was not in the plan. An impossible task. Hand a caveman a turned off flashlight and see what they do with it? My plight became everyone's and I will NOT forget or allow history to forget what was done around me, especially when even those I thought most loyal, were willing to believe the worst about me. WXRT to their immense pleasure at this point, hurt me bad by turning on me. They seemed an ally.... I thought we were doing good... I ended up hating the people who I had pathetically, iconically loved in a distant way. I can finally wish every one a peace, I pray.
I am still astounded by all of the effort put forth. The dedication people showed, the hardships they went thru, to serve God. I do not how this fit into the picture, but everything is a part of his plan, even what would have nothing to do with mine. I do think about these things. When this started, out of nowhere, after not crying for many years and thinking of myself as someone who did not... I started crying one night listening to a John Denver song, probably stoned out of mind... but the crying felt so good, all the tears I had kept inside all those years, buried even from myself. Man, it felt good... actually... and when I cried later, it felt good. When I saw that the people watching me were making fun of this, I felt like, as I often did, like I was dealing with twelve year olds.
If seeing someone cry makes you think less of them, well.. that is cretin material to me. Though I have a lot of it internalized, and have cried exactly one tear since all the mockery, when Ruby died. Just one fucking tear.
How can I open the floodgates enough to understand people losing their forearms? How did things spin into violence? That was planned by others long before I came along. If I had not been steered away from Wrigley Field that day, everything would be different. I have too many moments like that in my mind to count that. I am thankful now I did not go along with operation bluebeam. Had you asked me normally, instead of brainwashing me and putting me on display, I might have helped you tweak the plan into something humane, and modern.... been my grandfather times ten, without his flaws. You and he never gave me that chance.
This last week I have been seeing a lot of signs of war being fought in the underground, and people I hope I am right in liking have been involved, so there is the irony smell of blood in the air again. I knew a few months ago when I cheered death for the first time after years of just mourning... that it was on. Not that I had done anything, or said much. I have tried very much to wait and see. I spend hours and hours and hours thinking over the events, what I said and did and what might have triggered this and that, but more importantly the kind of soldiers I will fight with, to what ends...
There is no easy path from here to there in this war. I want as many people as possible to just do the right thing, and they will be treated with respect and kindness and justice and forgiveness and redemption, by the government. I may believe in taking fortunes for the common good, I do not believe in stealing private property from innocent home owners or small business owners or... I do not mean to crash the economy. All I need is a chance. I will be enriching the many at barely any real expense to the few. I will make this country a leader not in the arms race, but rebuilding broken countries, and a socialized banking system from which the world can draw almost no interest loans to rebuild. We need many things, and their are scientists all over the planet dying to have the money to solve some of the worlds problems, but the businessmen are only interested in projects that make money.
I feel often like I love this country too much, that I should selfishly abandon her for my personal life but that is not in my genes. Am I shadow boxing? Is that what has happened now, left in a dark corner of the jail, shadow boxing... seeing only my jailors, watching tv, eating, going on line in a manner that I pray does justice to those who deserve it...
I keep hearing people, trying to be sympathetic, tell me, I am not responsible for these deaths, knew nothing about them, tried to stop all the bullshit the second I found out about it... had no idea what a figure I was to whom. I wrote all the time about who I was and what I believed and did not think there was much of any way to misinterpret that. But thinking I lied on line... and gave signals. I am not that clever or stupid, and I am not sure which.
I do not like people making me out to be a mad murderer. I hate what was done though I do not hate you who did these things. I want to love you for your loyalty, be worthy of love.... be worthy of the chances I was given. Be worthy of the position I have now. Worthy of running the world, should I have to, though I hope to inspire others to do what is their talent, and remain at what is mine, writing words. This GOD made my gift, and university and life have given me too much content for one man. My side may be losing big time as Trump does what he does, though we certainly could not ask for a better recruiting tool than he will be. The women need to run someone other than Clinton, a new comer to politics, not an insider... though I suppose they have too many insiders now. They should pull Kennedy out of retirement and run him. People could use a Kennedy. Now that past shames by politicians mean nothing after Clinton and Trump and the writers of history, complete with all the president's mistresses, etc. They just had a good time when everyone was doing the same. The Kennedy's. At least they were going to try for the big wind. They just didn't know who their friends were, or their enemies. Felt immortal...
Or maybe they are all full of shit, who knows? We will see. I tend to think they were raised to be astute, great politicians. Who knows? They show heart, and have a history of protecting health care, which is going to be, like many things, trashed by trump for a bit.
The thing now..... how much should I write.... see, I had problems with party a.... and I did not realize their involvement, and importance in the end, though they came with their own way of doing things. Blood was involved. Once over something that meant nothing to me when I did it... I felt so ripped off, and knew all these others were, and resenting being poor as hell and isolated if I was rich and famous... I had to stop believing you, almost, until the very end, when SORDID is how I felt. From the second I saw the tv flash me standing by the dresser in that ugly fucking green robe and I was being spoken to directly, again, but in a way that really surprised me. I had written that people who are more intelligent curse, and there was a child cursing.. and it hit me it was all tied together and the absurdity of thinking you would be more intelligent simply by cursing, or that little kids did not have the same right to curse, because of the contextual nature and their simple minds.... etc.... a lot of thoughts came at once, a crashing of my world feeling... I am sorry this is the way I appeared. I might have made the same mistake. I am not like that at all, no stripper, no nothing of the sort... I am oblivious mostly to how people see me, and always have been. Having been a fat teenager, I always felt ugly.
Do not ever come to me again asking for a decision to condemn anyone. I will condemn actions, universally, to any people. Only the worst acts are mine to really judge, murder, rape, theft. And the last one not always..... everything else in God's to judge, though mine to stop. I just thought of how once all these people would have been reading these words from behind me.... they told me this in the end... God.... I am so sorry for what PEOPLE WERE PUT THROUGH.
Before you can have a plan, you have to know who the players are... before I will act in war, I have to know that Justice or Expediency requires. I never want to conquer, control, or corral, or... I stepped into a religious world I did not understand and a spy world I understood even less. I could tell I was not in control and rebelled against that. Others had their reasons to use me, I tried to learn what I could about the world, why this could be happening yet no had even come to my door? I asked for counsel, but that was not in the plan. An impossible task. Hand a caveman a turned off flashlight and see what they do with it? My plight became everyone's and I will NOT forget or allow history to forget what was done around me, especially when even those I thought most loyal, were willing to believe the worst about me. WXRT to their immense pleasure at this point, hurt me bad by turning on me. They seemed an ally.... I thought we were doing good... I ended up hating the people who I had pathetically, iconically loved in a distant way. I can finally wish every one a peace, I pray.
I am still astounded by all of the effort put forth. The dedication people showed, the hardships they went thru, to serve God. I do not how this fit into the picture, but everything is a part of his plan, even what would have nothing to do with mine. I do think about these things. When this started, out of nowhere, after not crying for many years and thinking of myself as someone who did not... I started crying one night listening to a John Denver song, probably stoned out of mind... but the crying felt so good, all the tears I had kept inside all those years, buried even from myself. Man, it felt good... actually... and when I cried later, it felt good. When I saw that the people watching me were making fun of this, I felt like, as I often did, like I was dealing with twelve year olds.
If seeing someone cry makes you think less of them, well.. that is cretin material to me. Though I have a lot of it internalized, and have cried exactly one tear since all the mockery, when Ruby died. Just one fucking tear.
How can I open the floodgates enough to understand people losing their forearms? How did things spin into violence? That was planned by others long before I came along. If I had not been steered away from Wrigley Field that day, everything would be different. I have too many moments like that in my mind to count that. I am thankful now I did not go along with operation bluebeam. Had you asked me normally, instead of brainwashing me and putting me on display, I might have helped you tweak the plan into something humane, and modern.... been my grandfather times ten, without his flaws. You and he never gave me that chance.
This last week I have been seeing a lot of signs of war being fought in the underground, and people I hope I am right in liking have been involved, so there is the irony smell of blood in the air again. I knew a few months ago when I cheered death for the first time after years of just mourning... that it was on. Not that I had done anything, or said much. I have tried very much to wait and see. I spend hours and hours and hours thinking over the events, what I said and did and what might have triggered this and that, but more importantly the kind of soldiers I will fight with, to what ends...
There is no easy path from here to there in this war. I want as many people as possible to just do the right thing, and they will be treated with respect and kindness and justice and forgiveness and redemption, by the government. I may believe in taking fortunes for the common good, I do not believe in stealing private property from innocent home owners or small business owners or... I do not mean to crash the economy. All I need is a chance. I will be enriching the many at barely any real expense to the few. I will make this country a leader not in the arms race, but rebuilding broken countries, and a socialized banking system from which the world can draw almost no interest loans to rebuild. We need many things, and their are scientists all over the planet dying to have the money to solve some of the worlds problems, but the businessmen are only interested in projects that make money.
I feel often like I love this country too much, that I should selfishly abandon her for my personal life but that is not in my genes. Am I shadow boxing? Is that what has happened now, left in a dark corner of the jail, shadow boxing... seeing only my jailors, watching tv, eating, going on line in a manner that I pray does justice to those who deserve it...
I keep hearing people, trying to be sympathetic, tell me, I am not responsible for these deaths, knew nothing about them, tried to stop all the bullshit the second I found out about it... had no idea what a figure I was to whom. I wrote all the time about who I was and what I believed and did not think there was much of any way to misinterpret that. But thinking I lied on line... and gave signals. I am not that clever or stupid, and I am not sure which.
I do not like people making me out to be a mad murderer. I hate what was done though I do not hate you who did these things. I want to love you for your loyalty, be worthy of love.... be worthy of the chances I was given. Be worthy of the position I have now. Worthy of running the world, should I have to, though I hope to inspire others to do what is their talent, and remain at what is mine, writing words. This GOD made my gift, and university and life have given me too much content for one man. My side may be losing big time as Trump does what he does, though we certainly could not ask for a better recruiting tool than he will be. The women need to run someone other than Clinton, a new comer to politics, not an insider... though I suppose they have too many insiders now. They should pull Kennedy out of retirement and run him. People could use a Kennedy. Now that past shames by politicians mean nothing after Clinton and Trump and the writers of history, complete with all the president's mistresses, etc. They just had a good time when everyone was doing the same. The Kennedy's. At least they were going to try for the big wind. They just didn't know who their friends were, or their enemies. Felt immortal...
Or maybe they are all full of shit, who knows? We will see. I tend to think they were raised to be astute, great politicians. Who knows? They show heart, and have a history of protecting health care, which is going to be, like many things, trashed by trump for a bit.
The thing now..... how much should I write.... see, I had problems with party a.... and I did not realize their involvement, and importance in the end, though they came with their own way of doing things. Blood was involved. Once over something that meant nothing to me when I did it... I felt so ripped off, and knew all these others were, and resenting being poor as hell and isolated if I was rich and famous... I had to stop believing you, almost, until the very end, when SORDID is how I felt. From the second I saw the tv flash me standing by the dresser in that ugly fucking green robe and I was being spoken to directly, again, but in a way that really surprised me. I had written that people who are more intelligent curse, and there was a child cursing.. and it hit me it was all tied together and the absurdity of thinking you would be more intelligent simply by cursing, or that little kids did not have the same right to curse, because of the contextual nature and their simple minds.... etc.... a lot of thoughts came at once, a crashing of my world feeling... I am sorry this is the way I appeared. I might have made the same mistake. I am not like that at all, no stripper, no nothing of the sort... I am oblivious mostly to how people see me, and always have been. Having been a fat teenager, I always felt ugly.
Do not ever come to me again asking for a decision to condemn anyone. I will condemn actions, universally, to any people. Only the worst acts are mine to really judge, murder, rape, theft. And the last one not always..... everything else in God's to judge, though mine to stop. I just thought of how once all these people would have been reading these words from behind me.... they told me this in the end... God.... I am so sorry for what PEOPLE WERE PUT THROUGH.
Comments
Post a Comment