CLOSED AWAY IN A DREAM
I still cannot imagine the world you lived in, and the hell I added to it by misinterpreting the situation; by disbelieving in reality... I did not know enough about the world operates to do other than I did. My attempts to be righteous are part of why my legend grew among the underground armies, like when I had them burn the blood money made God knows how... I had written about pirating software and suddenly the world began to raise money by pointing guns.
I did not want it. I was selfish, half mad, or I would have done something good with that money... money I had begun by then to think did not exist, I certainly had seen no benefits from my involvement, only a weird fame on the tv that did not equate into my life. I asked for counsel and was given none because I was just a puppet, someone they were using, disposable as the next guy.
They give me two sentences about going to classes and I AM TOO MORTIFIED to continue thinking about it, like the web cam.
I was thinking about this tonight, and how only when I asked tv land to burn me, and anyone else, did I learn that there was just a webcam going into my house, not spies who I should be fighting, and defying... and farting in front of... threatening.... I would have done none of these things had I known the circumstances.... children watching me. I wonder how that was rationalized, when I SURE AS HELL would not let a kid watch a man who felt like a butterfly pinned to a wall alive.
A zoo exhibit who only enjoyed when I could finally strike back... and murder became the norm. Not at first. I think of the bicyclist who took picture of mary ann and I and then when I tried to say hello flew off on his bike. I found this rude and kind of disturbing, but on my blog I threw all kinds of shit at him, etc... hoping that if he read this he would not do that to people again. I cannot remember all of it, but I would not have written anything about him if I thought my words would cause him harm. The list of people like that have a few celebrity names on them though mostly I think of the nameless ones, the prosperity ministers and politicians and others who I am told were attacked. The libraries that were closed for years because of a throw away line in a short story, which I may have meant at the time, to keep people in the streets fighting. I AM not sure.
So much regret in this life of mine, drowning in the tears I left the relatives to cry... I had tried to build a life around the idea of loving all people; treating everyone equally, and not stereotyping anyone... etc.... I have never allowed my mind to fall into the pits or divide and conquer, which I had believed since childhood to be a problem when I was being raised in a stridently union family.
I try to save my name over two five minute incidents of masturbation meant to drive you away, tell you some of my life is x rated and I do not want you around for the millionth time. By then the world in the tv and in my life were so separated that I no longer believe one effected the other. Then the attacks on me for this act... the humiliation I sat thru. Then finally later realizing had I not done this I would have been sucked into the Washington scene, and suddenly beholden to the government, have to act a certain way.... but worst of all, I would have been giving my stamp of approval to the shit he was doing, which I was disagreeing with all the time. I would never have learned all I did during the interrogation. I might have found that all of the secrets I knew they knew as well, or maybe I would find this fame they spoke of was another lie, since no one seemed to have heard ot me in the states.
I did not want it. I was selfish, half mad, or I would have done something good with that money... money I had begun by then to think did not exist, I certainly had seen no benefits from my involvement, only a weird fame on the tv that did not equate into my life. I asked for counsel and was given none because I was just a puppet, someone they were using, disposable as the next guy.
They give me two sentences about going to classes and I AM TOO MORTIFIED to continue thinking about it, like the web cam.
I was thinking about this tonight, and how only when I asked tv land to burn me, and anyone else, did I learn that there was just a webcam going into my house, not spies who I should be fighting, and defying... and farting in front of... threatening.... I would have done none of these things had I known the circumstances.... children watching me. I wonder how that was rationalized, when I SURE AS HELL would not let a kid watch a man who felt like a butterfly pinned to a wall alive.
A zoo exhibit who only enjoyed when I could finally strike back... and murder became the norm. Not at first. I think of the bicyclist who took picture of mary ann and I and then when I tried to say hello flew off on his bike. I found this rude and kind of disturbing, but on my blog I threw all kinds of shit at him, etc... hoping that if he read this he would not do that to people again. I cannot remember all of it, but I would not have written anything about him if I thought my words would cause him harm. The list of people like that have a few celebrity names on them though mostly I think of the nameless ones, the prosperity ministers and politicians and others who I am told were attacked. The libraries that were closed for years because of a throw away line in a short story, which I may have meant at the time, to keep people in the streets fighting. I AM not sure.
So much regret in this life of mine, drowning in the tears I left the relatives to cry... I had tried to build a life around the idea of loving all people; treating everyone equally, and not stereotyping anyone... etc.... I have never allowed my mind to fall into the pits or divide and conquer, which I had believed since childhood to be a problem when I was being raised in a stridently union family.
I try to save my name over two five minute incidents of masturbation meant to drive you away, tell you some of my life is x rated and I do not want you around for the millionth time. By then the world in the tv and in my life were so separated that I no longer believe one effected the other. Then the attacks on me for this act... the humiliation I sat thru. Then finally later realizing had I not done this I would have been sucked into the Washington scene, and suddenly beholden to the government, have to act a certain way.... but worst of all, I would have been giving my stamp of approval to the shit he was doing, which I was disagreeing with all the time. I would never have learned all I did during the interrogation. I might have found that all of the secrets I knew they knew as well, or maybe I would find this fame they spoke of was another lie, since no one seemed to have heard ot me in the states.
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