The Reluctant Spy Talks

I try to assess my place in the present world, and find this very difficult.   My position as being a guy the government basically wants to keep secret about, and a figure who has been accused of leading a bloody massacre;  chaos, for no reason at all;  revolution, with no end game government in sight. What you tried to teach me, which I missed at the time, or dismissed as someone trying to give me orders who was intruding on my life by bugging me and taunting me in the media, it seemed to me...  I now see much more clearly.   I have only what I can extrapolate from my own life what happened, and the horror of not knowing why I was being tested, for what reason... why the media was reacting to me at all was puzzling as hell.  It was a hell.  If not for God I would have not been able to tell myself, day after day, no matter what they throw at me, I will fight. I felt like I seldom wrote anything that others had not already written before me.  T...

I knew how to sort of control my dreams, so two nights in a row I made myself a murderer, and felt what that felt like to be a murderer.  A horrible feeling.  Worse than being a thief or a liar gives of course, as they both do with my conscious.  I do not feel like a murderer at all, even with the blood of thousands, at the very least, on my hands. Some of the deaths I out and out ordered, or knew would happen if we bombed such and such, but stopping a fucking genocide by any means possible, ending an asinine race war that is exactly what my enemy wants...  the enemy tells us we are other than souls. I once punished people in a way more harsh than I meant.  Others I harmed because I was pissed.  A man took pictures of m and I in front of our apartment.  I thought maybe he was interested in the building, but he kept taking pictures of her and then me, and  I walked up all friendly and he rode off in a huff.  HERE I am this guy with kill...

I never expected I was hated except by right wing nuts.  I am very liberal on a lot of things that I will never change on.  I am always surprised to be tossed in with the right wing.... that makes little sense to me.   I found out I was hated all over the world finally, that a lot of people had taken my words as a call to kill and kill and kill until there was no reason to kill anymore.  Advice I meant for future revolutionaries was taken by a fighting underground.  By roving crowds of Christians and new converts and the spies leading it all from deep cover lives, behind the scenes.  Hated.  Blamed for all these deaths.  I expected the spies using tv to hate me.  I was always bitching them out.   But from what I had written, I saw no reason to hate me. From the fucked up shit you took as orders from my life, you had every reason to hate me if you feel about the same as I do.   I guess you don't.   I want to save the world, ...

SET UP ...  this happened very late in the game, when I was being checked out, to see if I qualified as a leader...   I answered questions because I had nothing better to do, and wanted my opinions made clear.   Asking me about about kids...  I never wrote for them.  Would have had I known.    ANYWAYS....  THE RELUCTANT SPY IS AT THAT POINT IN HIS HISTORY WHEN THIS TAKES PLACE. When I HAD enemy webcams watching me, seeing every word I typed, fearing what I would have this violent group do next.  When I had no idea what was happening in the world. One such occasion came when something was said on a News program, which I knew were live and watched thinking they could easily adapt to give me messages...  anyways, one of these stations, a black reporter had a story about how to raise children, and they were asking me questions finally, trying to see how I felt, thinking about making me a leader, finding out perhaps what I knew ...

During this time I had no idea what the fuck was going on, and actually thought I would make money from the people who were advertising on tv during this so called famous webcast.   I was such an idiot and must have looked as much, to the people watching me.... and they were from the cameras everywhere.... part of the plan.  Get that religion going for operation bluebeam... I was watching tv during this period, and knew the talk shows had an open feed into my room, when he commented on how I was watching the commercials closely.   People laughed.  I was so tortured by being kept in the dark, but that is what they were doing to the FALL GUY... or so they thought, China came in and saved me.   I am just a writer.  I inspire some.  Most of them are dead or degraded though enough survive to present a threat.  What my position is in this world I have no idea in a way. My old allies abandoned me when I helped stop the race war, which felt to them li...