the children. finding out the sides were using child soldiers...

SET UP


...  this happened very late in the game, when I was being checked out, to see if I qualified as a leader...   I answered questions because I had nothing better to do, and wanted my opinions made clear.   Asking me about about kids...  I never wrote for them.  Would have had I known.   

ANYWAYS.... 

THE RELUCTANT SPY IS AT THAT POINT IN HIS HISTORY WHEN THIS TAKES PLACE.


When I HAD enemy webcams watching me, seeing every word I typed, fearing what I would have this violent group do next.  When I had no idea what was happening in the world.

One such occasion came when something was said on a News program, which I knew were live and watched thinking they could easily adapt to give me messages...  anyways, one of these stations, a black reporter had a story about how to raise children, and they were asking me questions finally, trying to see how I felt, thinking about making me a leader, finding out perhaps what I knew about and did not....  at least a few got this because I received more intelligence on this later.  Too much for my heart to  process as I say, because this is one of the aspects of my life I have to box up and keep far from my conscious to continue to be effective, which is the gift their lives gave me.
The newscaster.... yes, he said this about raising children...  I responded, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.  I HAVE NOT BEEN AROUND CHILDREN SINCE I WAS A CHILD.  I WOULD NOT PRESUME TO KNOW.... I only said this twice, ABOUT not presuming to know.... the other time was when Bush asked if they should open the boarders, which I had never considered, and did not feel qualified to answer.

Later they let e kno my book One War, criticizing child soldiers, had inspired many to use them.  Or the CIA and others were already... the avg. age of a child fighting in this world is 12 or 14 I cannot remember....  sickening.  I believe the concept of childhood should be applied to all young.  This is my goal, part of the kindness I wished to spread.

When I said I HAVE THE CHILDREN... all I meant was that my thoughts had effected all these young people, and could never be undone.  Had this impact.  Sent them out to start fires in la dumpsters...  14 and 15 year olds were arrested.  I did not want this, though it made me laugh and I pray they were left alone... though.... God only knows.   More knowledge I do not have that I may need to know but am glad I do not anyways.

I  told stories of being  a pied piper with no idea how they would be interpreted... certainly were not taken as save the children.  As they were meant.  In a deep trance I WROTE WORDS that came from somewhere deep in my unconscious, places I did not know existed... or from outside of me, connected to selves from all times and their accumulated wisdom.  Other times a petulant child to the fucking web cams.  Accused of pedophilia for a line I was planning on taking out of the final draft.   I knew these things happened though in war and a speed head and whatever...  it was a bad decision and not meant to inspire anyone.  He was to be a character who was made into this by others, who lost his free will, to drugs and the government that supplied them...  knew nothing except war and suspected, rightly so, a bullet awaited him if he tried to retire with a head full of top secret shit no one could let out.  A fiction.

A tactic of war that is used.  I will not judge anymore what I REALIZE my ignorance well outweighs my knowledge on...  I get one sentence about all the lives you lived.  A hint or two.  Not enough to register emotional without reflection.  A poker face.  A man of many masks.  A man fighting the webcams....  freaking them out, not having any fucking idea all these people were involved.  I would have reassured them that I had no intention of causing a war for the hell of it, I would have stopped the military industrial complex.  Not fed it.  Many other things.

A knock on my door would have changed history... how I waited and waited for that day.... which never came, until it was way too late to make any difference, really.... to way too many.

You all were one conversation away from me doing all I could to free you from your slaveries, the people that I was shocked to hear ask me if they could have an afternoon off/like that was a big deal, and  I understood again how hard you worked.   I wanted to cry, tell you take your life off.. do not... but I did not know what you were doing, how you lusted to change the world and expected me to show you the path.   I was on a learning curve...  like anyone.  Still am, have a long way to go.

I fear that Hozier song about how confession would get you killed.    I TOLD people to confess if it was safe... and they did it and it was not, evidently...    I should never have commented on what I did not know enough about to do so...  now I would have told you to attack, make an alliance with the blacks so I can be a go between, because I want to meet those you call fallen angels and tell them I am sorry for the awful burden I put on them with this label.   Make them humans again unless they show me wings.   I know the forces that be woauld have no problem giving me two cuts on my back to look like wings were taken out... I ALSO know a weird year of radiation makes no sense in my case, and I was given it, as if to stop the growth....   the first thing they told me was that I grew wings.

I tried to remain skeptical in my thinking, though in my poetry I went along with the wings, wanted to believe... in childhood Ii dreamt of driving and flying and grew up to drive for a living...   who is to say?  Alien DNA?   You suggested many things to me about me, then seemed to pull that carpet out from under my feet and tell me no, we are going to make you the Charles manson who got away...   dismissing all who died as brainwashed cult members, not real people who were willing to fight to make it on earth as it is in heaven....  or to stop the satanic forces running this planet from continuing, or whatever reason....


I pray we will become sensible enough to put old emotions behind us.. ...  you have me at a disadvantage merely because you have invaded my private life, and I was rebelling against acting normal in front of people I hated for watching me.   I gave you a message...  okay, if you respect me, than fucking leave me alone spies.... not a message to the fucking world.  Sat mortified for months losing weight and watching myself being criticized for this with my best poker face hiding a mortification I cannot begin to describe.  When parks and recreations said the janitor sent dick pics to everyone at work....   God, that was...  Cameras all over my apartment and I had confirmed this by saying things in my bedroom, I HAD been filmed in the most x rated manners possible... already.  This was something new only to those who wanted to be my enemy, and I understand why at that point.   Still, a mistake that if I HAD KNOWN THE AUDIENCE would never have happened,

After I knew you were watching the spy in m confirmed itself.   I told her what was happening, she could see it, and still she acted crazy in front of this camera, like she knew about it all along as I later was told... then I went into the living afterwards and she was sitting in front of the cameras shaking like she was on the edge of losing it.   Never again or since has she saw fit to act like this over events that are...  God, I hate to think too much about the Russian spy I live with.  Bloody Mary they called her, and when I wrote about that  they began calling me Bloody John to make sure the blame was mutual.

 I wrote


















Changed things, in ways I have to trust God wanted.  Had I known what this entailed in the world hidden from me CONSCIOUSLY by the CIA and others, I would have not been pleased.  Now all I can do is open my arms and say I would that I could return the precious gifts stolen from you... I cannot.  My gifts, if they exist anymore, are dedicated to making a future those children being born now will be able to live in free and with pride...  and economic freedom.  I will never accept the masks they put on me, or the suicide of superman.

I am indestructible and difficult to attack anyways.  I do not want to use my natural abilities.  I fear them as you would if you knew.  Other things are nothing... my religious conviction.

I just had this thought and wanted to say that I think of all of you often, though my words are mine alone on these matters.

Remember you have free will.  Give this away to no one.   Especially the military.  They will make you their monster.