I wondered whether I was a killer or a murderer?

I knew how to sort of control my dreams, so two nights in a row I made myself a murderer, and felt what that felt like to be a murderer.  A horrible feeling.  Worse than being a thief or a liar gives of course, as they both do with my conscious.  I do not feel like a murderer at all, even with the blood of thousands, at the very least, on my hands.


Some of the deaths I out and out ordered, or knew would happen if we bombed such and such, but stopping a fucking genocide by any means possible, ending an asinine race war that is exactly what my enemy wants...  the enemy tells us we are other than souls.


I once punished people in a way more harsh than I meant.  Others I harmed because I was pissed.  A man took pictures of m and I in front of our apartment.  I thought maybe he was interested in the building, but he kept taking pictures of her and then me, and  I walked up all friendly and he rode off in a huff.  HERE I am this guy with killers all around the city that he does not know about... go home and write on my blog this half fiction thing about my security failing and dissing this guy.  I was probably mean as hell, I do not remember.

I was passionate as hell, playing my role of the guy running the revolution....  mostly hoping to scare the guy or something...  maybe I was so frustrated because no one was explaining this shit to me or talking about it... and this guy, who obviously knew something, just rode away.... another chance lost.

A religion I could not have imagined, watchers I could barely stand to hear about.   I see the image a lot of the split second I realized, after the camera showed a figure in the ugly green housecoat I wore at my dresser, right in front of a camera...  later they asked me why I put this there .... there was no room in the bedroom for the dresser.  God, how I hated knowing.... RAGE came down from heaven and I was ready to smite, to bring floods and lightening.  I saw this actor holding up a child saying FUCK.   I remembered all my writing about how people who curse are more intelligent, but that did not mean cursing would make you intelligent, just that if you were, you would be prone to curse more.  I liked using such emphasis.  Seeing this child saying the word innocently gave me a glimpse...  an epiphany, into just how sordid this was...  just felt like pornography... saw all the films on strippers...   but fuck no, that was never my intent, to be pornographic.  To wreck childhoods...  and this pied piper lead too many to senseless trouble.

I SHOULD have been set free, and negotiated with.  That was not in the plan.   Had to have a fall guy.   I can barely think, no, you are wrong...  they know what you are and they tried to live by some dictates you would not make....   The voice of Jesus I wrote in one of my blogs still arises in me at times, bringing a poetic dream, transcendence into another realm, the vast unconscious of my mind...
I thought I was being ignored, and attacked.  Then I would see signs other.  I would see too much...  I know I am babbling but supernatural comes to mind, telling me so many truths I was getting nowhere else...  the dogs...  no dogs....   and I was the holy man who told his followers to get a dog.  They showed me the east are cats.  


The dogs I will never quite get, I guess.  Or maybe any of them.   I remember suddenly it was being shown that all these cats wanted to kill this dog, and that was me.  That was weird as hell to hear...  I WAS being threatened all over the place, after the blue abandoned me for good reasons, though their response is one...  another HAD I FUCKING KNOWN... none of it would have happened.   Then they let me know, finally, about the race war, and Chinese bringing in cats...  well, I sure as hell wanted nothing to do with a race war, and  I lost all belief in the government of the USA...

I remember when My anger returned, they started showing on the tv a Chinese fighter who had to eat more....  after the masturbation was shown all over I sat there too upset to eat.  Starving myself to death.  What had I done?  They were filming me all the time, these spies, what the fuck did they expect... I was trying to tell them SOME PARTS OF LIFE ARE PRIVATE...X RATED...LEAVE ME ALONE.   The same message I always gave, which you missed, purely because you felt that  I wanted the fame associated with this webcam?   It made no fucking sense to me that the guy who told you from the start I just wanted a normal life would want to be filmed all the time.  I hear out of context sentences from my memory that I could see how people would gloam on to them and think I wanted that.

I am now grateful I walked thru the fire of that criticism and danger because there alone was the truth, after fighting my way through all those years of trials,  to reach the truth...   and it was too horrible to contemplate.  No beauty there at all.  Not in the material world.  Without my belief in eternal life, without this soul that has flown from my body twice, I do not know what I would have done?   Those who know, who I assume are the only people who read this with understanding, or full understanding....  I can't say I was happy about it, but I learned a lot of truth about how people were seeing me when I asked for the burn, which I was overwhelmed when you took it up.

I wrote once in my blog, expecting no response, BURN ME, DO YOUR WORST I WOULD... and they asked me if I wanted this, and Colbert announced the burn by putting his hand on the electric coils of a stove.   
I learned how people looked at me finally, in a way, they were being kind I would later learn.  I got mad at them, at the same time as the other show, because they were part of the mix of my figuring out you saw this as this damned web show or something, not spiritual or revolutionary or particularly useful in any way... Saturday night live, who I worked with that cast a lot, did a show about me that was not funny.  Or accurate.  Never had sex in a bathroom with a man, was not that kind of guy at all, though my fictional characters and jokes were.  Merely saying I went to a church was not funny.  I WROTE something mean about them only because I had just discovered the webcam, and another show as well....  regardless, a prominent figure started coming on tv after that saying KILL THEM.  I fought this all the way, saying no, no....  they were both, modern family and snl victims of circumstances.  I worked with 30 rock a lot....  and I am grateful for such talented people and all that though at the time, again, I was intent on living my life no matter how I was mocked.


During this burn in a way they had to be nice, but it was a good wake up call.  Then came the calls to kill snl.   I would never have wished such a fate on anyone for what they had done, but then I figured out the webcam from this......   so it was not people in the media  giving me messages and spies listening to me...  who I just talked to for the hell of it.  Took my rages out on the spies.  Then I became so paranoid.  I did not know who was with me and who hated me or why......

The night the cast of how I met your mother tried to tell me they had burned candles, which I had been doing, but had not expected anyone else to be doing the same... they were asking me what to do, but I did not know what they hell they were asking me about?   I look at all of this now and think better I failed in becoming the God in a religion full of wolves in sheep clothing...   I would have refused to go along had you told me what you are doing.  Later they mocked me, turned on me... I was to find out why when I was told that the night they flashed up and asked me, totally out of context, what to do, threw me...  or something else... gave you the impression I would abandon troops to be slaughtered.  First I would have had to have known abut the soldiers....  but they are forgiven by me, though the world may take longer to do so.  Ii am not so quick to stab a knife in someone's back as to turn on anyone... except those doing in justice.  You were.  

They brainwashed you too...  I wonder how many actors and dj's got it like me... I know playing Jesus in operation bluebeam made my mind melting and recreating special, but is it just another personality out of many they can give?   A lot ex spies are brainwashed to think they are Jesus to discredit them.  Without the brainwashing I would have react very differently during my time in the spotlight.

What is a writer's responsibility when their writing gets people killed they asked me?  I answered that as soon as the writer found out, they should try to stop it... and should have added, unless they are advocating revolution, and then they must learn to live with the deaths of the war.  If my job is to be a writer of a new scripture, the holy words of a revolutionary, who does not bow to kings, and is indeed revolted by all but the most honorary position Royalty, then I am going to be the enemy of powerful allies of the US.  If I believe in the rights of gays and women and free thinkers and artists, then I must not be an ally to the governments allies.  How do you do that?   You pay for it, but have no say.  The modern world.


I guess my responsibility with the deaths, was to stop them when I found out about them, which I tried to do, quite stupidly at first with violence before I knew who was friend or foe, trusting propaganda given to me by the enemy of people who thought a lot of you....  it was terrible.  I hated that Jerry Fallwell was dead, I hated more that these people had their arms cut off, and I protected the criminals behind it.  I did not know and would not have turned on you like that.  I would buy you all arms if I could;   had I really had that money, in my now sane state of mind, I would know what to do with it to successfully, peacefully for a long while, subvert this government.   I think.  I would certainly need help, and would love to be purely the inspiration.  That is supposed to be the job of poets, to inspire you to act.   I inspired war and promise to protect the future... and the darkness  I will not add.

When the movie this is the end came out, the masterbator, who was obviously commenting on me, ended up the head of a cannibalistic cult.   The point was well made.  What had been inspired by me I do not know though cannibalism has been brought up to me in too many contexts for me to dismiss.  The system broke down.

  I thought this was best at the time, take out the lights...  isolate the people...  keep what we were doing secret from the next town over....  etc....   I could not come out and say this but evidently this was made clear, as Revolution attested to, though of course the mystical ending... I just stopped watching.   I saw that years after these events.   I later heard he worked directly with the cia on one movie.  You have to be vetted by those folks to get famous, intelligence.  A lot of people sell out in a second because fame and fortune is all they wanted all their life.   I was much older than the average recruit to fame, but I saw what they offered as temptations, to make me rich on blood money... like I would never want to be rich on stolen money.... let alone stolen blood money that should have just been returned to whoever, but  I was in full blown Jesus mode and told them to burn it.

The reason  I was winning were underground criminal connections, and as the Joker in batman showed, the role that made fun of me, costing him his life, they were around when I had the money burned.  They showed Johnny Cash's house burning on the news to get the word around.  I regret this decision, not to direct this money, but I felt I had to make a statement.

I would not change the past and do not like to contemplate such things beyond learning from them, whatever lesson I need in my armory not to make the same mistake again..... though I sort of did.  Both times God did what he did without my intent.   I did not mean to cause chaos, though when attacked seemingly I fought back.  That is what I do.  You were watching my life not a show, though a life severly effected by being watched.  I feel the difference now.  I may be watched again, but I do not feel any need to preach to the tv, or whatever.   I write now and that was where I always was, though you thought you I was elsewhere, a being in a life that made no more sense really than any...  I did not want you to arrange yourself around a joke, to die... NEVER would I accept a command to die.  I would never give one either.  This will not be believed by some and obvious to others...  thouh God Bless them and their sacrifice must be noted by God as a selfless act done in the name of Love... I am not worthy of such devotion, nor is anyone else.  To come with a message of free will and end up being part of a mission that relied on the opposite....

I remember when I told people to get snipe rifles and gasoline, and to prepare for an operation against Canada, where a group was running a train around killing blacks, then getting rid of the bodies....  A sniper shot a guard at the boarder,.... a message, we are coming.   They often went to jail to make these missions or worse.   This time chris o donnel than said he was thinking about getting a sniper rifle and going badger hunting, a direct threat against me, who they were calling a badger then, because I protected both blacks and whites, and if you attacked my den you were done for.   I screamed out I WANT HIS BALLS.   I will not go into how I found out they took them, but I believe it was the next day I got the message....   I had to fight threats totally then, because they would show a weakness on my part if  I did not respond.  And  a death threat, no one got away with that and lived, except for people who were lied to about me being a racist...  who if I was what they thought, death I would deserve... sadly, I can say this about a few things in my life, that if I were on the other side, and thought I did these things with ill intent, or any intent at all toward exposing myself like that,  I would have killed me.


I told the cops that at the time.  I wanted them back.  I did not want to make an enemy of the cops, because I was fond of them after all the years, grateful for their kindnesses to me personally... though there was another side, hidden...  I felt very strongly about my security and still feel that I have to address their concerns, too.   I think they are being used every bit as much as the stupid protesters who make trouble.  Both should be allies, as they were here awhile in Chicago.

We should have we should have we should have MUST TURN INTO NEXT TIME WE WILL....


I think at some point we reconciled.  I hope so.  I have promised them never to turn on them and that is solemn.   I have had to for almost the same reasons decide that from now on, I have to remember that certain criminals were acting under the governments behalf and it would be hypocritical to point them out as the scapegoat.   I am glad we never put six's on our lapels instead of flags, which is what they were going to do to show we had taken over.  But then I told them to attack the mob and they ran like bitches... and I found out how powerful they were ....  at great expense.  Though I attest every drop of our blood spilled saved this country and maybe the world from becoming an openly criminal enterprise at a whole new level.   What is left of my tattered soul would have blown off into the wind...



I write revolution blurbs on facebook, attuned to getting people to stop being divided and conquered and to attack the elite.  Now with electronic mind control this may not be possible.  What if they are using it now, a slow steady voice in the back of your mind, saying, DO NOT PROTEST THE WAR... do not protest the war... until seven wars wage, obvious oil grabs, and no one protests.


I am a killer.  I ordered killings.  I ordered the mutilation of corpses and the murder of civilians.  Just once.  By voicing and opinion, aghast at the thought obviously, that the way to catch all the snipers and get them turned in was to make the village understand they would be brutal.  Snipers turned in, marines stopped dying, people stopped getting their houses shot up when the Taliban came in to use their house... not even having to tell them they would all die if they turned him in.   By turning them in all at once they liberated the town.  You figure four civilians died to save twenty soldiers and probably forty civilians, not to mention their houses.  They turned to these tactics later in the war, when things just went to hell for awhile, and war became a law unto itself...  where there are no rules except basic physics.....








 














The real question is where do I go from here?  Do I follow the master plan, is there still room to insert what I wanted to into this world, is there even time?   I want to bring true justice to this world, to show LOVE for all.  Not just a chosen few.  I want to see souls, not flesh and blood.


Anyways, where do I go now.  I still feel that as far as I am concerned, I do not want to order anyone to do anything I would not do myself, which requires me staying in Chicago.  Hard to explain, not at liberty to see it...