i began to write a lot on facebook because they cut me out of my original blogs

They are difficult to get to.   You can find them.  I found a year missing from one of them I recently examined.  Strange being me.  Feeling like I am always at war, because I am.  I came across the thought today of something I ignorantly said long ago, I WIN JUST BY BEING ALIVE... I had no idea what had happened to my people.  The CIA who I mistakenly believed Bush was firing were good guys, so he was getting rid of them...

I did not mean to swing right wing, though in the end this added to my self preservation  I suppose.  The origins of the first revolution  I was in I hesitate to write about too much, though the Jesuits, who I must express some gratitude to and my anguished thoughts of what happened...  I would have been a different person, could I have been, and as I am.  I needed time, and truth, not lies, deceptions, and being kept out of the loop.

I am nothing like I and others portrayed me to be.  The only time I truly feel I am being honest is when I write in the voice of Jesus, and yes, I know, brainwashed in 07  and this voice appeared...  still, to me, this connects me to the wisest voice in my mind.  I went thru a writing seminar once where I wrote in the voice of Jesus and all the other students and the prof, who knew me as this hotshot writer from Columbia a professor sent her way, were blown away by what came out, as was I.  Later, when I became a better writer, a lot of different voices filled me as I wrote all kinds of characters way different than I am.   I hated writing about myself, which is another irony with feeling like  I have to use words in this battle, and the WORD will win the war...  The word reverberates, long after the cannons have rusted away.

I come in here, telling myself to address my real audience, and the pain erupts within me, facing the truths around me is very difficult.  There is too much pain to ever process in one lifetime, so I will not even try.  I live on with it.  I also have a disease causing me twenty years on pain pills, and seven surgeries... ending up now having to take morphine.  Sickening stuff.  But controlled.  No doctor I can go to and get help about dealing with memories that are top secret, not talking it out.  There is only soldiering on, in a way, because I do not feel my job, as a voice and inspiration for some, or a testament to others, who may one day want to look at the events around me from stand point theory, taking into account not just what the winner says.  You want to the truth, go to the losers...  they have nothing to gain by lying, and everything by telling the truth.


I want to at some point put this into a beginning, a middle, and the rather open ending...   room for a sequel, that will surely come, despite any dread on my part invoking actions to try to stop the world from acting INSANE.  When you have even a modicum of influence on the real power brokers, as I do, having been an important, world famous voice at a time, and then painted as a mass murderer.

I remember the first or second day I was thinking the world knew I was Christ.  This my tv and radio talked about openly, sometimes straight to me... OPERATION BLUEBEAM.. MEANT to take over the world.  When it happened, I became their Christ, the icon they used for their vile plans, and I was kept ignorant as possible, though told a few things.

I was crazed from the drugs their doctor had me on, in horrendous pain and I had no way of getting over it.  Had I known I could order tramadol by mail back then, God, I would have been in much better shape...  Regardless, mad, feeling rejected, beat down, and used..  they must have kept from the public what they did to me in the hospitals.   If you thought you were treating me in a way I wanted, you were wrong.  I wanted information on what was happening to get started on working on the problem, the revolution, was excited at first when that happened... when my getting cable tv suddenly brought me back to being watched on tv.    I saw a show with me, the monkey king, as they called me back then, watching a party... he was all skinny like I was.   During the interrogation I got rid of the internet and cable tv.   I could not even get channel 2, which was meant to be, I think, though I am not sure?

This was late, when some force I was working with had won it seemed to me.  After the interrogation opened my eyes, and I joined the fight to stop the evil I had heard about...  we seemed to win, though I did not know who my backers were, or I would not have considered this a victory at all.   Had I been in a command position I understood...   How ironic that being held hostage by the blacks ending up harming them in the end, because I would never have went with the racists.   They would have killed me, I think, at times, so perhaps being a hostage saved me in the end?   When I heard myself described as a racist...  a guy on Chicago Public Radio was responding to something I said about people being accepted, and he responded, HOW BY HAVING PANCAKE BATTER ON OUR FACES...  I ate a lot of pancakes, and had by then realized the cia or whoever had convinced people I was giving orders with my actions, not the words I wrote.  I was bitching at the spies, who obviously bugged me,  I thought, because they were telling people in tv about my life....  instead, cameras all over the apartment, feeding what was for some a cult, and others... I do not know?

I tried to welcome everyone, alaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal beliefs, in the beginning.... then I ended up isolating myself, not accepting the position offered.  Thank God.  I am not a conqueror, or a pirate.  I am not a new system of behavior, or ways of dressing, or picking one type of human as better than another.   Especially the latter.  I am always misunderstood on this point, because I will accept the aide of your enemy, if I can get them to keep their thoughts as their castle, but they cannot act on racist or anti semitic beliefs.  They have to be able to fight side by side against the people who are imperiling the planet.  There is no room for acting on the stereotypes you have.   I will not ask for the mind of soldiers.   I will ask for a commitment to the same values I espouse.

If they want to be black or lesbian or white seperatists, then that is their loss.  This happens all the time.  If they are harming no one, people say fine....   but I say no matter what you believe, your behavior on this matter has to make you a comrade.  In an army there is no room for anything other than loose rank.  This cannot be effected by anything other than who is best for the job.

I heard a comedian, WHICH I avoid now because the last one referenced me, slammed me, by a Jew, making me again have to come out and say fucking eh....  you met someone who had no idea there were Nazi's then told you to attack them... then you had me so turned around when you started citing these things people had done, killed their husband and kids... is one that stands out... I was laying ont he couch, my eyes covered, as they went thru a litany of horrible crimes, and I kept saying FORGIVEN, FORGIVEN, FORGIVEN...   this was after I lost some big backers.   I guess this is why they went on like this.  It was ridiculous in a way.  I lay there as Christ, hearing sins, and what am I supposed to do, FORGIVE.  I will always try to forgive someone, almost...   there are exceptions,, those who ignite a certain fire I need to fight...  but even them in the end, I forgive on some levels.  I could make myself forgive them,,,

I then heard this other comedian, as I was saying, referred to me in  a DOG WHISTLE manner, only people who know BATMAN represents the elite, and he talks about baine as burning all the bridges into Gotham city....   

He just actually said to those who are involved in the media deception, a lie about me..   they know me as superman, which is why superman died in that last movie, and they kept trying to get me to kill myself, to the point of having  a William shatner as this superspy, who in the end of the commercials, went onto a bus going over a cliff, and they said that is they way he would want to go.... and I was like HELL NO, I AM NOT GOING TO FUCKING DIE for you lie.   I WAS KNOWN AS PAIN, SO THE CHARACTER BAINE WAS LOOSELY BASED ON ME, and the talk of my being in control of  nuclear bombs in Chicago, though  I certainly did not think I was controlling things, evidently I was from a very ignorant stance.

Another told my tale.  My story was brought to life, and I was expected do work I did not even know existed.  Taken thru a looking glass and told to make my own way.  All requests of counsel denied, living for the revealing on what was really going on and finally, finding out...    finally, discovering what might have been, too late, too ignorant of how things really work, a baby as they at first made me out to be in commercials I could recognize were about me because they used JACK a lot, and I was known for wearing a railroader outfit....   when I refused to not save the Jews, who are diamonds in intelligence lexicon, they showed me running from mom and dad and leading them into a jewelery store.  We were in active war and I knew nothing they were repeating over and over was an accident....   a strange code.   They showed me a white van smashing into a diamond shop in geogia, like they would not go along with such a revolution.   I was burning bridges to Gotham as they said, I was telling people that if they were criminals, I would no longer work with them, and that I trusted none of the groups around me, and I was burning all our bridges.... and if they wanted a bridge to me, they would have to build it themselves, because I sure as hell was not going to.  Some did, I will always bow to China allow, out of respect for their belief I deserved some justice in this matter, and using their influence to make this so.  And the soldiers of all armies, who fought on all sides, and those who one day will find they will rise again...

the call will come

They brainwashed me thinking I would be this religious icon, instead my love and oh I had it at first for everyone... it was amazing, and I never wanted to lose the feeling.... then you began fighting me, it seemed, instead of a reception such as would be due the being you were telling me I am.    I tried to mock you, make you leave me alone, be provocative as hell, at first.   I do not know quite why?   I guess suddenly finding myself famous enough everyone knows me, and I am not sure how, but it is because they are broadcasting me, against my will, driving me mad.   All I wanted was human contact but some enemy was stopping this from happening and that was driving me crazy.

The rage I had went everywhere, at places I had no real opinion.... certain nights stand out as metaphors for all of it...  I would feel I was in privacy, because that was the illusion I lived under for so long, that the tv, Saturday night live, would react to some dum ass thing I totally regret saying.... He did one of many, many characters and this one seems gay.... and I say, Great, another gay stereotype.... he breaks into all these other voices he does, to show me directly that he was not like that, and I ignored him.  When the illusion finally collapsed, I would never have said that... I was there feeling naked in my apartment when I knew people were watching.  That was when I had to plead for people to stop watching me...  after answering all their questions I could.  Finding my fame was part of a story of bloody mayhem and most of it was classified, with good reason, was devastating.

I did not know I had drawn as much blood as I had or that my bitching was taken as seriously as it was or that people were living underground.

I am sorry this happened to you.  I imagine your plight a lot in my mind and believe the worst, was told how bad things became for many, the consumption of human flesh.   I am overwhelmed that my words could cause such mayhem while my life seemed the same as ever, except for the tv mentions of my life, which I hated, ignored as much as possible the reminders I was being watched.....  this is scattered but I write that and then I remember a moment when a person said on a news program, seven, which I consider fucking evil at this point, we could kill all the people with blue eyes and I laughed thinking it was a joke,  I was not killing anyone, but the woman on the set with blue eyes, the weatherwoman, said, enraged, I HAVE BLUE EYES... and  I realized this was seriously being considered and I lost it.  How could the world become so insane that people were thinking about putting blue eyed people,.... kill people because of the color of their eyes.   I know now the blue eyes were a group.

All of these thoughts on the war ate crashing about my skull, breaking into pieces, becoming more poetry than prose....  sorry.

I do not even know why I write this.....   so many of the people who examine my work know more than I do, and I retain my place.   When I wrote the death of the unions will be the death of us all, the news announced the communists are backing the unions.  DOG WHISTLE.  People watching were like, okay....  then they get nothing more, and just move on to the next thought, giving it perhaps as much thought as an error was made.    I am affirmed of an influence I knew to a degree.

A simple two sentences.  Informing all the people living double lives there is a slight shift in the power structure in the USA.  I was also announced as White and not an ape.  Since I am unsure what either of these stand for, I have no problem being white, I am white... but I believe justice trumps whatever skin color a person has.   I do not know what that makes me, but I am there.  A believer in God and a living Christ.




........   and I had to turn it off.  I was in control of their lives to a degree that was appalling.  People lived underground because of a story I wrote.   Other

Like a method actor, the pedophiles are all the more hated by the face of my abuser...