The Reluctant Spy Talks

People think nothing of them.  Unless you have the proper context to understand what the message to the masses of undercover lives means, you are someone who does not know how to add looking at a complex algebraic problem on a board.  Though these messages people would not even think meant anything.  Like the opening of Chappell's new show showed him contemplating various things in the beginning, and one was a superman like character, wearing purple and yellow, who waved in  a stereotypical gay way.   If you were the type to wonder what the fuck was up with that, which you would not be since it seems like random thoughts, a hodge podge of cartoons.  I do not know if there were other messages there.  But they associated me with various colors, at one point green and purple, like the joker. Green is the Irish, usually the mob or revolutionaries...  purple are the royalists, who still hold on to the idea of the ancient lines of kings, like I...

monsters with a conscious killing themselves in record numbers the memories of the monster in a head connected to a gentle heart My words and actions and hatred are the bars that will jail me away forever Sunlight I do not deserve to see comes in the window and beckons me out The same paints and plays and books and people that delighted me once are here dusty from lack of caring...  feeling undeserving of the pleasure of painting, uninspired to seek it I am at a funeral all day long. What I do cannot be unseemly again The Jester does not find anything worth making sport of In chains in the tower after trying to kill the king. I owe too great a debt of gratitude to know how to begin to pay I owe too many their dead parents and children , siblings and friends I owe too many the hours of their lives wasted watching religiously Blissfully unaware most of the time of them just the spies running this mission I did not understand I can only write that had I known...

I had been writing of facebook for years, thinking my words needed to get out world wide.  They had on blogs...  they had on facebook...  seemed to make no difference.  My messages and even those I did not mean to send or think as messages, got across.  I can only assume they will on this medium as well.  The  WATCHED ONE.  I felt this way with the cameras, though I had no idea.    The idea of being watched all the time is a form of torture, nothing less.  Bars. Odd memories come to me all the time, that make sense now though they did not at the time.  One is that I was first placed in the category of being an ape.   I am not sure what this category entails, though I could speculate...   I just am not sure.   My writing had been atheistic up to this point, then suddenly turned religious after the brainwashing.   Many may have been acting on the assumption that I still hated religio...

I decided to quit trying to wake up the sheep.  Took me too long to believe in the spy world and  I was in the middle of it.  Your insides revolt at the idea of BELIEVING there is another world behind the one I thought I lived in,..   it is very difficult emotionally, mentally, even physically with me because I let myself go completely thinking there was nothing I could do to fight the enemy.  Who am I compared to them? Later on, though I was told pretty late in the game,   I had an army of 260 million at one point, roaming the USA, a power no one could stop.  Because of certain connections in the underworld, which are very important to successful revolutions, unfortunately, but the civilian casualties are far worse than merely ignoring crime for awhile, especially shit I think should be legal anyways, most of the time.   Try telling people about this army and...  I live a very normal life other than having no friends anymore, aft...

I WAS sitting there watching it, as I religiously did, as well as Colbert...  and one of the first indications I got that the mass media was centered on my poetry when I wrote that my name would be shouted from the mountain tops, and I meant Jesus, my return I could see being the most miraculous and incredible experience in the history of human kind,,,  the return of God to take the souls to heaven.  Stewart instead yelled out Pain, Pain, etc... at the beginning of his show.   I responded stupidly, saying mentioning me in the press could get me killed.  Gwyneth Paltrow had also talked about me this same night...  people were trying to get the word out that a revolutionary pot soldier was ready to fight in Chicago, a liberal, who was going to be a movie maker and a big star, and whose stories they found funny as hell. I still wish I had picked up that call... but I panicked.  The next day I tried to call the number, from ny  that it came fro...

An interesting story where terrorists, hoping to stop a corporate take over, go back into time...  with them, semi accidently, goes a cop from the future sent as well, all by design.  Other time hoppers have also done this for various reasons...  the story is very interesting underneath, and never strays from the primary crime they are on for others.   Meaning unlike most cop oriented shows, they do not, like Grimm, which also shows a secret world,  does not fluff out the over all plot... supernatural started out that way, until they started telling my story back to me, or trying to get me messages on what I had done... eric ktiptke who also put out Revolution, which had so much more truth in it than I could take at times.  I learned some of the worst atrocities taken, based on my early book which was a critique of just what took place as orders.  A way of fighting the world is familiar with in some places, and the cia and other intelligence ...

They are worst on mornings like today, when due to lack of sleep I slept almost twenty hours, off and on...  and the pills have worn off, leaving me feeling my life and the pain of all the surgeries;   worse though is what goes on in  my thoughts,  as my body torments me for that first hour or so...  the wife keeps asking if I am alright and I tell her in a kind voice that it is just the pain, that it will pass.   I hear the dead and remember all the ways I wish I had done better, just the world I witnessed, the dead I could have kept alive.... and visa versa to be honest.    I think of incidents where people died, feel the horror their families felt,  I shoot the thoughts down almost as soon as they enter my head, a left over from studying meditation over the years... cram the incident back into the box where I segment it away to continue walking, not be paralyzed there feeling it...  I often feel like ...