COMING HOME FROM WAR
monsters with a conscious killing themselves in record numbers
the memories of the monster in a head connected to a gentle heart
My words and actions and hatred are the bars that will jail me away forever
Sunlight I do not deserve to see comes in the window and beckons me out
The same paints and plays and books and people that delighted me once are here
dusty from lack of caring... feeling undeserving of the pleasure of painting,
uninspired
to seek it
I am at a funeral all day long.
What I do cannot be unseemly again
The Jester does not find anything worth making sport of
In chains in the tower after trying to kill the king.
I owe too great a debt of gratitude to know how to begin to pay
I owe too many their dead parents and children , siblings and friends
I owe too many the hours of their lives wasted watching religiously
Blissfully unaware most of the time of them
just the spies running this mission
I did not understand
I can only write that had I known this all would have come down
very differently
Had I been on the planet I thought I was
instead of the one you convinced me I was on
Too many judgements made with the haste of a man on a battlefield
constantly attacking, probing, testing
I wanted to follow in the peaceful footsteps of Cesar Chavez
Instead I came as a bloody band of hellions
I could see there would be a break down
knew the wrong people were in power
had no idea how to change them
believed nothing I read or heard
Given a shot I pulled the trigger without hesitation
mowing down the crowd that stood in my way
of trying to establish a better world
I never meant for people to leap from buildings or throw people from buildings
the faith of these acts astounds me
I do not know how to react to many things that happened
In my mind I see their souls going to heaven
though in my gut and heart I am churning horror, sadness, regret
wishing there was anything I could do to go back
let my intentions truly be known
not guessed at/not pretended/not used
I did not choose myself for this role/I was drafted
and had no idea what I was doing
I tried to defend myself and do right
Still do
I will survive
hoping never having to fight another day
though knowing when I have tried to get out
I have always been called back up and told I am needed
I will never be a deserter
the mission objective is clear
I used to think my final battle had been mapped out long before
I took up the gauntlet not even knowing what it was?
I thought I would write poetry, for awhile, then gave it up... only came back to it fully after the Jesus voice entered my head, and I could not believe the words that were coming out, or that God existed and I was part of his plan, and all the heady thoughts that preceded my realizing that my agnostic life was suddenly filled with the supernatural... I was overjoyed God existed and could concentrate on little else..
I was part of someone elses operation from the start, and I knew that, so when I saw things take place I assumed they were orchestrated by other people. None of them were my written intent... unless you use my dark fiction as gospel. I feel horrible for everyone who involved themselves in the darker aspects of following me. All of you deserve my gratitude and humble... thanks for having any interest in my ideas, jokes, whatever.... though I am not the cruel person you saw on the internet at all. Only when threatened or ripped off or the normal times am I prone toward losing my temper. I do not keep it in check like some do, and did not even try to keep it in check when I was intruded on by the tv being able to see into my house. I did not know what viewers were allowed to see this, or how it could be so huge and yet seemingly not there at all....
I would have treated you with respect, and freed your minds as much as possible from the idea of forming a cult, or using such techniques. I would have been very, very careful who I criticized. I do not want people who do something that annoys me to be harmed. My violent impulses are best sumblimated by my cultural beliefs, as they have been most of my existence. I told tall tales and did learn to fight as a child, but violence was something I saw on tv or in the movies or the news.... not in my life.
As soon as I saw the blood I tried to stop it. I did not know what else to do except police, in a way, but I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and many who followed me as a leader felt very differently than I do about life. When I learned all these different sides had developed along the lines of racial and religious and class prejudice, all I saw was a mess that needed to be cleaned up before anything could be done about making a new government. I will not lead a government into power that will not emphasize care for all citizens, and the socialized ideals that need to be part of this country, if capitalism is going to continue. I certainly will not lead a racist, or anti semetic or.... anyone who stereotypes, into control. And I will strip the uber wealthy of enough of their wealth to go about saving the planet, while still leaving them a lifestyle that will still be to their liking and will allow them to stay out of any war. No violence would be the best way to achieve these means.
I have learned however our opponent will use violence, and I am not advocating people get shot at and do not fire back.
For now I am just stating how I feel. I have not changed very much at all as far as my core beliefs go, I just simply have less tolerance for the ways of the very wealthy, and there are a lot of them... I wish I could just convince such people to try a program of global renewal, but they will not....
I might as well confront another issue, which I have written too much about, but I refuse to let people call me a Nazi, because I had once inadvertently worked with them, though I have only the slightest indication of what they did. I was not above using them to stupidly attack a group that was killing people. Before I realize this war was going on, any violence I heard about just seemed like some crime.
Took me a long time to finally realize that this side which I was supposedly on was racist. Did not believe in mixed race marriages, or whatever? I do not understand people who think one race is better than another, or that intelligent people are more important than less intelligent people, or that people of a certain religious upbringing all act the same way, or whatever.... I hate injustice regardless of how it rises.
Maybe I just have never really accepted the world as it is... an idealist who believes all people can get along, ultimately, and certain universal truths should be applied planet wide. People say this cannot be done, which is ridiculous. The money has been stolen by tiny oligarchy which wants to genocide seven billion people, so they do not give a damn about everyone rising. That is my vision, win/win/win/win I wrote once... someone later asked me about that. I believe the changes needed to preserve the population without the horrifying sin of genocide have to become the priority of revolutionaries world wide. This at once takes out the natural ally of the revolutionaries, the criminals... because the head of the Italian mafia had 7 Billion when he was busted. They are led, the largest ones, by the oligarchy....
Getting back to sarah silverman, who I got into a stupid argument after writing something about how I would fight beside any army to fulfill my mission, even Nazi's. Stopping a genocide means we all have to get together. I once did a drawing with tombstones showing a swastika and the star of david.... I was thinking about how the hatred of these groups would need to die away even... these two horrific enemies I have been reading about all my life, and the Nazi's were the worst of the worst, according to everything I read. I had no fascination for the period, or Hitler. I have no idea what Hitler believed and all this.... I may have read my struggle when I was a kid, but I scoffed at his view of Jews, and still do. I will not let the Jews who hate me bait me into hating all Jews.
I used to criticize the catholic church and Israel quite a bit n my writing, partially because they were the most reported issues in the states.
God, when I saw the mkultra using tia maria, I think that is her name, to first go from maybe becoming Jewish to being a Nazi, I knew it was about me, who had just went thru thinking about being a Jew, then writing something that people took as anti semetic, and also started getting very harsh on the Jewish religion, some of their ideals, etc.... simply because no one is rationally criticizing Jews except other Jews, mostly, and they are repressed. I hear about nutty yahoo's gold plated statue being torn down in Israel, I feel kindred souls in that land.... The attitude of many in the right wing is genocidal at this point.... and this is not hidden in the juggles of Africa, but reported on by a supposedly free press, and obvious to the whole world... most of us have lived thru watching talks over there go on for decades, but Israel does not want peace, they want land, and if a few people get killed, on their side, in the fight, then it will be worth it in the end when they have stolen every bit of Palestine. When the USA is so controlled by the billionaires, forty eight percent of which are Jewish and elect and destroy politicians at will, and this is exactly why you never read negative stories about Israel in the states. But, again, you cannot blame all Catholics or priests for the molestation that took place. Etc.
One of the worst memories I have, very puzzling at the time, was Weinstein giving his studio to tom cruise, who drugged out and high as hell from the constant love for humanity I was feeling, I said something about I had to hide you well, my angel.... about Tom Cruise. I never meant for angels to get some special treatment because of what I said. So many things I said that make sense only in the context of someone who had been brainwashed and was half out of his mind from the rape, not to mention suddenly having everything on tv oriented toward me.... it was just.... too much...... and I kept waiting for what was happening to make sense -- I thought I was in charge and learned later that is not true.
knowledge you will be jailed away within forever
the memories of the monster in a head connected to a gentle heart
My words and actions and hatred are the bars that will jail me away forever
Sunlight I do not deserve to see comes in the window and beckons me out
The same paints and plays and books and people that delighted me once are here
dusty from lack of caring... feeling undeserving of the pleasure of painting,
uninspired
to seek it
I am at a funeral all day long.
What I do cannot be unseemly again
The Jester does not find anything worth making sport of
In chains in the tower after trying to kill the king.
I owe too great a debt of gratitude to know how to begin to pay
I owe too many their dead parents and children , siblings and friends
I owe too many the hours of their lives wasted watching religiously
Blissfully unaware most of the time of them
just the spies running this mission
I did not understand
I can only write that had I known this all would have come down
very differently
Had I been on the planet I thought I was
instead of the one you convinced me I was on
Too many judgements made with the haste of a man on a battlefield
constantly attacking, probing, testing
I wanted to follow in the peaceful footsteps of Cesar Chavez
Instead I came as a bloody band of hellions
I could see there would be a break down
knew the wrong people were in power
had no idea how to change them
believed nothing I read or heard
Given a shot I pulled the trigger without hesitation
mowing down the crowd that stood in my way
of trying to establish a better world
I never meant for people to leap from buildings or throw people from buildings
the faith of these acts astounds me
I do not know how to react to many things that happened
In my mind I see their souls going to heaven
though in my gut and heart I am churning horror, sadness, regret
wishing there was anything I could do to go back
let my intentions truly be known
not guessed at/not pretended/not used
I did not choose myself for this role/I was drafted
and had no idea what I was doing
I tried to defend myself and do right
Still do
I will survive
hoping never having to fight another day
though knowing when I have tried to get out
I have always been called back up and told I am needed
I will never be a deserter
the mission objective is clear
I used to think my final battle had been mapped out long before
I took up the gauntlet not even knowing what it was?
I thought I would write poetry, for awhile, then gave it up... only came back to it fully after the Jesus voice entered my head, and I could not believe the words that were coming out, or that God existed and I was part of his plan, and all the heady thoughts that preceded my realizing that my agnostic life was suddenly filled with the supernatural... I was overjoyed God existed and could concentrate on little else..
I was part of someone elses operation from the start, and I knew that, so when I saw things take place I assumed they were orchestrated by other people. None of them were my written intent... unless you use my dark fiction as gospel. I feel horrible for everyone who involved themselves in the darker aspects of following me. All of you deserve my gratitude and humble... thanks for having any interest in my ideas, jokes, whatever.... though I am not the cruel person you saw on the internet at all. Only when threatened or ripped off or the normal times am I prone toward losing my temper. I do not keep it in check like some do, and did not even try to keep it in check when I was intruded on by the tv being able to see into my house. I did not know what viewers were allowed to see this, or how it could be so huge and yet seemingly not there at all....
I would have treated you with respect, and freed your minds as much as possible from the idea of forming a cult, or using such techniques. I would have been very, very careful who I criticized. I do not want people who do something that annoys me to be harmed. My violent impulses are best sumblimated by my cultural beliefs, as they have been most of my existence. I told tall tales and did learn to fight as a child, but violence was something I saw on tv or in the movies or the news.... not in my life.
As soon as I saw the blood I tried to stop it. I did not know what else to do except police, in a way, but I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and many who followed me as a leader felt very differently than I do about life. When I learned all these different sides had developed along the lines of racial and religious and class prejudice, all I saw was a mess that needed to be cleaned up before anything could be done about making a new government. I will not lead a government into power that will not emphasize care for all citizens, and the socialized ideals that need to be part of this country, if capitalism is going to continue. I certainly will not lead a racist, or anti semetic or.... anyone who stereotypes, into control. And I will strip the uber wealthy of enough of their wealth to go about saving the planet, while still leaving them a lifestyle that will still be to their liking and will allow them to stay out of any war. No violence would be the best way to achieve these means.
I have learned however our opponent will use violence, and I am not advocating people get shot at and do not fire back.
For now I am just stating how I feel. I have not changed very much at all as far as my core beliefs go, I just simply have less tolerance for the ways of the very wealthy, and there are a lot of them... I wish I could just convince such people to try a program of global renewal, but they will not....
I might as well confront another issue, which I have written too much about, but I refuse to let people call me a Nazi, because I had once inadvertently worked with them, though I have only the slightest indication of what they did. I was not above using them to stupidly attack a group that was killing people. Before I realize this war was going on, any violence I heard about just seemed like some crime.
Took me a long time to finally realize that this side which I was supposedly on was racist. Did not believe in mixed race marriages, or whatever? I do not understand people who think one race is better than another, or that intelligent people are more important than less intelligent people, or that people of a certain religious upbringing all act the same way, or whatever.... I hate injustice regardless of how it rises.
Maybe I just have never really accepted the world as it is... an idealist who believes all people can get along, ultimately, and certain universal truths should be applied planet wide. People say this cannot be done, which is ridiculous. The money has been stolen by tiny oligarchy which wants to genocide seven billion people, so they do not give a damn about everyone rising. That is my vision, win/win/win/win I wrote once... someone later asked me about that. I believe the changes needed to preserve the population without the horrifying sin of genocide have to become the priority of revolutionaries world wide. This at once takes out the natural ally of the revolutionaries, the criminals... because the head of the Italian mafia had 7 Billion when he was busted. They are led, the largest ones, by the oligarchy....
Getting back to sarah silverman, who I got into a stupid argument after writing something about how I would fight beside any army to fulfill my mission, even Nazi's. Stopping a genocide means we all have to get together. I once did a drawing with tombstones showing a swastika and the star of david.... I was thinking about how the hatred of these groups would need to die away even... these two horrific enemies I have been reading about all my life, and the Nazi's were the worst of the worst, according to everything I read. I had no fascination for the period, or Hitler. I have no idea what Hitler believed and all this.... I may have read my struggle when I was a kid, but I scoffed at his view of Jews, and still do. I will not let the Jews who hate me bait me into hating all Jews.
I used to criticize the catholic church and Israel quite a bit n my writing, partially because they were the most reported issues in the states.
God, when I saw the mkultra using tia maria, I think that is her name, to first go from maybe becoming Jewish to being a Nazi, I knew it was about me, who had just went thru thinking about being a Jew, then writing something that people took as anti semetic, and also started getting very harsh on the Jewish religion, some of their ideals, etc.... simply because no one is rationally criticizing Jews except other Jews, mostly, and they are repressed. I hear about nutty yahoo's gold plated statue being torn down in Israel, I feel kindred souls in that land.... The attitude of many in the right wing is genocidal at this point.... and this is not hidden in the juggles of Africa, but reported on by a supposedly free press, and obvious to the whole world... most of us have lived thru watching talks over there go on for decades, but Israel does not want peace, they want land, and if a few people get killed, on their side, in the fight, then it will be worth it in the end when they have stolen every bit of Palestine. When the USA is so controlled by the billionaires, forty eight percent of which are Jewish and elect and destroy politicians at will, and this is exactly why you never read negative stories about Israel in the states. But, again, you cannot blame all Catholics or priests for the molestation that took place. Etc.
One of the worst memories I have, very puzzling at the time, was Weinstein giving his studio to tom cruise, who drugged out and high as hell from the constant love for humanity I was feeling, I said something about I had to hide you well, my angel.... about Tom Cruise. I never meant for angels to get some special treatment because of what I said. So many things I said that make sense only in the context of someone who had been brainwashed and was half out of his mind from the rape, not to mention suddenly having everything on tv oriented toward me.... it was just.... too much...... and I kept waiting for what was happening to make sense -- I thought I was in charge and learned later that is not true.
knowledge you will be jailed away within forever
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