WAKING WITH THE DEAD
They are worst on mornings like today, when due to lack of sleep I slept almost twenty hours, off and on... and the pills have worn off, leaving me feeling my life and the pain of all the surgeries; worse though is what goes on in my thoughts, as my body torments me for that first hour or so... the wife keeps asking if I am alright and I tell her in a kind voice that it is just the pain, that it will pass. I hear the dead and remember all the ways I wish I had done better, just the world I witnessed, the dead I could have kept alive.... and visa versa to be honest.
I think of incidents where people died, feel the horror their families felt, I shoot the thoughts down almost as soon as they enter my head, a left over from studying meditation over the years... cram the incident back into the box where I segment it away to continue walking, not be paralyzed there feeling it...
I often feel like when I write of my personal suffering I am pleasing my enemy too much, or bitching when so many had it worse that I am sounding petulant. As I truly did for years, in my ignorance, when I would not have been bitching about my life if I knew what others were going through. Their hell was my fantasy and poetry and some future hope for a revolution that would free my country from a nebulous enemy... I DID NOT EVEN KNOW who I was fighting for at first... I have many excuses for what happened to me, and the mistakes I made, and they would stand up in at just court in the law.
Judged harshly of late because a history I did not know about or ask for has been attempted to be used to smear my name, reduce my power. The power is all in the name in a way, yet being hated in my times is nothing new. Rebels are and I rebelled against a hellish plan, that I will never okay... or have any part of, except stopping. My mission is not one I will ever reveal to you... anymore than why God does things, or scientific discoveries.... then it is intent to me, a laser focus on a few words that make up my objective. I know what must happen in the end, and I need a lot of help getting there.. and if we do not, humanity will be judged, and many will regret this.
I wrote this and in the few minutes I went to facebook up popped an advertisement for a supernatural which asked WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON? They know I watch this show and they have conveyed to me a lot about my situation over the years, though I did not believe them. They tried to say I led a cult and no matter how much I scoffed at this, it was true. Well, they did not show this, but other things... I think they were involved in instilling certain beliefs about me.... and they shocked me. Regardless of how this was done, it sounds crazy, but they are subtle, too subtle for me at times, with their messages.
I write of sides like I have ever chosen one. They have chosen me for reasons I did not understand, though I thought it was because we shared belief systems... instead, we have very different ideas on what it will take to save this planet, and once you have been given power.... and any of you who do not know me would be surprised one such as I is writing anything down... the cia files on me are eyes only, cannot even be printed, let alone released for the freedom of information act, or a court room...
I want to know which side I am on. I want to know what I fight for will make me proud, or I do not wish to enter into a conflict at all. That is pretty much it. You can do want you want, though ultimately we must work together or against one another, and I am going the distance, no matter how you try to tell the world, three different times I caught, so God knows how much went on to get these messages out.
When I think of what the media went thru during the war, my heart goes out to them, like the cast of Seinfeld, some of the first people I knew who were working with me... I did not know how big this was or would get or what the hell was going on, but I am grateful. More so with every bit of the puzzle I put together. I would have never made you work so hard, but you were literally fighting for your lives and I did not know.
I think of incidents where people died, feel the horror their families felt, I shoot the thoughts down almost as soon as they enter my head, a left over from studying meditation over the years... cram the incident back into the box where I segment it away to continue walking, not be paralyzed there feeling it...
I often feel like when I write of my personal suffering I am pleasing my enemy too much, or bitching when so many had it worse that I am sounding petulant. As I truly did for years, in my ignorance, when I would not have been bitching about my life if I knew what others were going through. Their hell was my fantasy and poetry and some future hope for a revolution that would free my country from a nebulous enemy... I DID NOT EVEN KNOW who I was fighting for at first... I have many excuses for what happened to me, and the mistakes I made, and they would stand up in at just court in the law.
Judged harshly of late because a history I did not know about or ask for has been attempted to be used to smear my name, reduce my power. The power is all in the name in a way, yet being hated in my times is nothing new. Rebels are and I rebelled against a hellish plan, that I will never okay... or have any part of, except stopping. My mission is not one I will ever reveal to you... anymore than why God does things, or scientific discoveries.... then it is intent to me, a laser focus on a few words that make up my objective. I know what must happen in the end, and I need a lot of help getting there.. and if we do not, humanity will be judged, and many will regret this.
I wrote this and in the few minutes I went to facebook up popped an advertisement for a supernatural which asked WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON? They know I watch this show and they have conveyed to me a lot about my situation over the years, though I did not believe them. They tried to say I led a cult and no matter how much I scoffed at this, it was true. Well, they did not show this, but other things... I think they were involved in instilling certain beliefs about me.... and they shocked me. Regardless of how this was done, it sounds crazy, but they are subtle, too subtle for me at times, with their messages.
I write of sides like I have ever chosen one. They have chosen me for reasons I did not understand, though I thought it was because we shared belief systems... instead, we have very different ideas on what it will take to save this planet, and once you have been given power.... and any of you who do not know me would be surprised one such as I is writing anything down... the cia files on me are eyes only, cannot even be printed, let alone released for the freedom of information act, or a court room...
I want to know which side I am on. I want to know what I fight for will make me proud, or I do not wish to enter into a conflict at all. That is pretty much it. You can do want you want, though ultimately we must work together or against one another, and I am going the distance, no matter how you try to tell the world, three different times I caught, so God knows how much went on to get these messages out.
When I think of what the media went thru during the war, my heart goes out to them, like the cast of Seinfeld, some of the first people I knew who were working with me... I did not know how big this was or would get or what the hell was going on, but I am grateful. More so with every bit of the puzzle I put together. I would have never made you work so hard, but you were literally fighting for your lives and I did not know.
Comments
Post a Comment