The Reluctant Spy Talks

I think a lot about free-will, and always have.  Studies in philosophy, particularly feminist philosophy, taught me the value of not allowing the dominant, patriarchal, dog eat dog capitalist mind-set to devour me.   The view of women throughout history taught me about repression.   To this day all over the world oppression continues.  OFTEN CLOAKED by religion, this is simply ABUSE in other countries when it happens.  And it does, and most often the women drop the charges, forgive the men. How could I end up the head of a religion, which some aspects were, at least, involved in behavior that seems cult like to me, though... intelligence only gave me the vaguest NEED TO KNOW information, because they knew I was not going to go along with them...    I heard about Acolytes who watched me on the web all the time.  Others underground evidently doing the same thing.  I could not feel more sorrow over your suffering.  KNOW THIS....

I cannot afford to do so.   I will never stop being involved as long as there is a chance, and as long as I am alive, I am winning, despite appearances, as the past has proven before that this prophesy is, and it has proven true too many times for me to want to know...  I should not say I am winning.  The future is what I fight for, what I take orders from more than man -- science before politics would help this world, as long a healthy  dose of morality is applied. I used to invite triggers, because I was looking for truths....  and I know where to find a few, and sometimes I feel like I can take it, sometimes not.  BUSHWICK, a movie I just put on, reminds of me of when they EVACUATED NEW YORK, which was when we attacked.    I do not know the details but they do put in movies and tv more truth than people would want to know..,  they want their spin put on things, I guess. I have gone off facebook, for these blogs, losing God knows...

     When I was involved in ordering killing, or at least encouraging it, inciting, etc...  I was mostly a puppet who no one told what was going on, but I threw out threats all the time, thinking no one gave a damn what I said anyways.      The things I know now are what I could have used to have done this right.  Learning about the world of intelligence, and the heart of the problem being wealth dispersal, and now that I have alienated allies with behavior unintended to do so....  while being filmed by a group of megalomaniacal actors who think being watched is cool...  thought my life was a show, to make money, or to get people killed, or to pirate the world for the hell of it?   Now that I know more, though certainly still little, I cannot light enough candles or incense for the dead to show them how  I mourn.  I mourn day and night.  This has become a part of my being, and often I seek distractions, though most ...

Superman, too skinny for the suit, as I was after losing forty pounds, depressed as hell by my misunderstanding of what was happening around me.   I was being watched on all these webcams.... I had never imagined this was something people would think I wanted... that I got off on having them around.  I grew used to them, dealt with them the best I could, hid my hatred under a poker face. I think of times it came out that I cannot even understand now, that I am out of the state of madness caused by the media affront, and the general confusion I was experiencing.  I would stand at the back door, smoking, staring out.  John Ham mentioned this.  MY LEADER STARES OUT THE BACK DOOR SMOKING.  I did not know what you were doing or I would have given more answers than I was qualified to. You left out the key ingredient ...  keeping someone you looked to for leadership informed on current events, or made decisions on your own, based on what you knew.   ...

I did not know that hidden from me my words were getting people killed... as I wrote in the voice of a violent Jesus...  that along with all the baggage of myths and wisdom in the bible, had created problems that were kept from me.   But I felt inside like I could not say something I did not think was true, and the Jesus within me, which came after the brainwashing, was very much alive and screaming in pain at that point.... felt I had totally been screwed over... not realizing if I understood how bad others had it by those who pretended they knew what I wanted...  I would not have said I am not Jesus, I sure as hell would have said that they should quit the shit they were doing.  But I had no idea of the excesses my words had released, until it was way too late to stop. I ignored him, though he had the best of intentions I had no clue why he wanted me to, what would have been to me a lie...  I WAS deeply into the knowledge of being this person involved in d...

I have not changed my ethics much since I was a child, knew that I wanted to do right, though I did not trust those around me to tell me what that is.  When you grow up in a society that jails people for pot and lets them get drunk?  Drunk is like a million and ten times worse, and we all know it.  A Schedule A Narcotic or something if introduced now...   you learn you cannot trust the government quick.   YOU still believe in them in  a lot of things, especially that if your side wins the world will be a better place,  ah the asses and the elephants.  We will sweep them aside when the time comes, tell them pick up the gauntlet, or start your run....  I found where the armies were fighting in the night, drafted into a world that don't get no press.   No whispers -- in fact is buried under mountains of bullshit.  I am a refined person with the same intact mortality that my parents encouraged me, and I had...