The Reluctant Spy Talks

I wrote my peace about this on facebook.   Why am I in here then....  because there here what does it matter.  The words you all know, the person so many think they know..  I did another enemy check today, just to feel the intensity of it.... I will not let this stop me from going on my way for sure.  Nothing they can do will stop me from trying, nothing in past....   well, I do not want excessive violence, or any of that.  I want paths to peace followed not chaos not a fight. What this pandemic does to the movements afloat, including all the union strikes, etc...  is this figured in....  even if this is, it has to be used to move words into minds, which where the real protest has to start.

I did not know how to lead you, nor would I ever presume to be the person who should do so, Mexico...  that is for the people there to decide.  I cannot know their ways, merely respect them as much as possible, and celebrate them, without trying to incorporate them as my own. I would never have embarrassed you like I did had I known that the people in my tv were not all there just to torture me.  By the time I was left broke in a roach filled tiny apartment and felt ignored by the world, the guy with the diminished expectations in real life, fell back into the dream of the day to day when I should have been at the front, issuing orders.  I did not know the popularity I was experiencing in some arenas would ever interconnect with my life. Mostly, I was angry in the end at everyone who kept me in the dark...  and how fucking right I was, because in the light I could see the atrocities around me, and do my best to stop them.  The degradation of society its...

I believe I need to again address the criminal aspects of my life.  I came out trying to forgive everyone, and had no idea who was friend or foe or why, but I wanted everyone to be my friend... frankly, and that was a mistake. I can't help it.   The gangster kingdom built up around me was destroyed by me, not you...  I did not create that.  I was coy about what I knew when I thought I was fighting some monolith that would not even show it's face.... and when it did, I never asked....  maybe that is where my fears came in.  AT THE TIME... Anyways, he acts in the song like I cannot explain this.... well, I did.  You think I was in control, and if I was you hid it all too damn well, which I think was more just using me.   I mean if you can make a racist out of me you can make anything out of me, and then what you think means nothing to me, the deep inside me.   I do examine criticism, get my feelings hurt, so what...  life would do that...

I think a lot about free-will, and always have.  Studies in philosophy, particularly feminist philosophy, taught me the value of not allowing the dominant, patriarchal, dog eat dog capitalist mind-set to devour me.   The view of women throughout history taught me about repression.   To this day all over the world oppression continues.  OFTEN CLOAKED by religion, this is simply ABUSE in other countries when it happens.  And it does, and most often the women drop the charges, forgive the men. How could I end up the head of a religion, which some aspects were, at least, involved in behavior that seems cult like to me, though... intelligence only gave me the vaguest NEED TO KNOW information, because they knew I was not going to go along with them...    I heard about Acolytes who watched me on the web all the time.  Others underground evidently doing the same thing.  I could not feel more sorrow over your suffering.  KNOW THIS....

I cannot afford to do so.   I will never stop being involved as long as there is a chance, and as long as I am alive, I am winning, despite appearances, as the past has proven before that this prophesy is, and it has proven true too many times for me to want to know...  I should not say I am winning.  The future is what I fight for, what I take orders from more than man -- science before politics would help this world, as long a healthy  dose of morality is applied. I used to invite triggers, because I was looking for truths....  and I know where to find a few, and sometimes I feel like I can take it, sometimes not.  BUSHWICK, a movie I just put on, reminds of me of when they EVACUATED NEW YORK, which was when we attacked.    I do not know the details but they do put in movies and tv more truth than people would want to know..,  they want their spin put on things, I guess. I have gone off facebook, for these blogs, losing God knows...

     When I was involved in ordering killing, or at least encouraging it, inciting, etc...  I was mostly a puppet who no one told what was going on, but I threw out threats all the time, thinking no one gave a damn what I said anyways.      The things I know now are what I could have used to have done this right.  Learning about the world of intelligence, and the heart of the problem being wealth dispersal, and now that I have alienated allies with behavior unintended to do so....  while being filmed by a group of megalomaniacal actors who think being watched is cool...  thought my life was a show, to make money, or to get people killed, or to pirate the world for the hell of it?   Now that I know more, though certainly still little, I cannot light enough candles or incense for the dead to show them how  I mourn.  I mourn day and night.  This has become a part of my being, and often I seek distractions, though most ...

Superman, too skinny for the suit, as I was after losing forty pounds, depressed as hell by my misunderstanding of what was happening around me.   I was being watched on all these webcams.... I had never imagined this was something people would think I wanted... that I got off on having them around.  I grew used to them, dealt with them the best I could, hid my hatred under a poker face. I think of times it came out that I cannot even understand now, that I am out of the state of madness caused by the media affront, and the general confusion I was experiencing.  I would stand at the back door, smoking, staring out.  John Ham mentioned this.  MY LEADER STARES OUT THE BACK DOOR SMOKING.  I did not know what you were doing or I would have given more answers than I was qualified to. You left out the key ingredient ...  keeping someone you looked to for leadership informed on current events, or made decisions on your own, based on what you knew.   ...