The Reluctant Spy Talks

   I have to forgive even the CIA.   I once was proud to be associated with them.  I did not know what the spies did whose jobs I saved, simply went against Bush who was firing them.    I should have trusted Bush more, but I was out of habit.  I surely never would have written a poem that would have adverse effects on Jeb or the burning bush business if I had realized what would come of such writing. I cannot second guess everyone with the limited knowledge I have.  I keep an open mind about the Masons, Jesuits, and others who are vilified by some people.  I am not sure who is the right side always, other than someone has to fight for the poor, the discarded...  as I once fought beside those who my own side was trying to genocide, I would again to stop crimes against humanity.  File that in the keep me informed if you want me to make decisions.  England.  There are times  I still think you should have attacked both ...

Once a man had a plan...  though his plan only worked in a fictional world, that was the world that he was taught, and not knowing any better, he tried to use to the plan on the real world, which was intentionally hidden from him. Before you can have a plan, you have to know who the players are...  before I will act in war, I have to know that Justice or Expediency requires.   I never want to conquer, control, or corral, or...   I stepped into a religious world  I did not understand and a spy world I understood even less.   I could tell I was not in control and rebelled against that.  Others had their reasons to use me, I tried to learn what I could about the world, why this could be happening yet no had even come to my door?   I asked for counsel, but that was not in the plan.  An impossible task.  Hand a caveman a turned off flashlight and see what they do with it?  My plight became everyone's and I will NOT forget or allow hist...

     I set out to be a prominent fiction writer, had the talent and the training and encouragement to develop into an extraordinary poet.   Little else.  Well, and drive.  A need, really, to write after awhile.   Now I know my words will forever only be political or religious, not matter what I do with them.  There can be no going back before, and just being a popular writer based on my talent, readability, ideas.  Forever they will cage this bird.      I never meant for the things to happen which did.  I had no idea I was going to be treated any differently than other people...   well, there was one massive clue, like a dream...  nothing else.  I did not see my life any differently than others, at first.     Even now the pretense of normalcy is all that gets me by.   Pretending nothing horrifying has happened in my life, or is yet to come.   I have yet to have a reckoning, for myself...

     A certain level of allies with power are needed to sustain oneself in the shadow world.  Where all the different powers rule from behind the scenes, and some hate you with a passion you understand, when you let yourself be filled with the hatreds the war has left in your chest.   The first time I understood my actions were having consequences, I was coming out of a near black out, where I had ranted against doctors, which was stupid.  My blaming them for my pain is not something  I do in my mind. That frame of mind came as a consequence of the brain washing, I guess.  The drugs they put in the water in my refrigerator.  They told me this was happening, and  I knew the tv actors could hear me, were addressing me...   I did not understand why????   I did not understand who I was dealing with, what was happening in this world, how I was being used, or by which side, if I shared their philosophy or not?   I still though...

My LAST reply EVER for those with a cowardly disbelief of my life in the world of THE INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES AND THE ELITE.... for the last ten years, when despite being told to write nothing except children's books by the CIA, I wrote four books and rose in the ranks of those who fought them once. I am in chronic pain, and have been over twenty five years, and ALWAYS saw a psychiatrist because of that, and I saw her all during this, and after, and NEVER was there any suggestion of my being mentally ill, beyond depression and anxiety, the depression is a reaction the brain has to pain, and I barely take any... very low dose. The anxiety.... well, after what I have been thru, if you were not effected, you are officially psychotic, which if I was I would be a millionaire movie maker right now, instead of shunned by the arts community for crimes I didn't do... sigh. I do not want any of those things now that I know the price you pay. I will die with my ...

They are difficult to get to.   You can find them.  I found a year missing from one of them I recently examined.  Strange being me.  Feeling like I am always at war, because I am.  I came across the thought today of something I ignorantly said long ago, I WIN JUST BY BEING ALIVE... I had no idea what had happened to my people.  The CIA who I mistakenly believed Bush was firing were good guys, so he was getting rid of them... I did not mean to swing right wing, though in the end this added to my self preservation  I suppose.  The origins of the first revolution  I was in I hesitate to write about too much, though the Jesuits, who I must express some gratitude to and my anguished thoughts of what happened...  I would have been a different person, could I have been, and as I am.  I needed time, and truth, not lies, deceptions, and being kept out of the loop. I am nothing like I and others portrayed me to be.  The only t...

I was such a mental coward until  I was forced to fight.  When the intelligence I write about becomes bloody, blood was shed.  When I speak of mourning for the lost, who are buried in unmarked graves, etc...  the innocent protesters, the religious people that were used, the way the military was used, the way this system people believe in is one big fiction.   Sounding crazy goes with the territory, of exposing the dark side of the government, because it is a an abyss so black that you have to see it for yourself to believe it exists... practically. I understand the skepticism intellectually though emotionally it pisses me off.  My family, some involved in this business and some not...  one who seems like he has been kept in the dark... like I was for many years about my mother's affiliations, refuses to believe my life.  What do you do with someone who you tell what happened to you and they say, NO, THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.   It is not like...

I try to assess my place in the present world, and find this very difficult.   My position as being a guy the government basically wants to keep secret about, and a figure who has been accused of leading a bloody massacre;  chaos, for no reason at all;  revolution, with no end game government in sight. What you tried to teach me, which I missed at the time, or dismissed as someone trying to give me orders who was intruding on my life by bugging me and taunting me in the media, it seemed to me...  I now see much more clearly.   I have only what I can extrapolate from my own life what happened, and the horror of not knowing why I was being tested, for what reason... why the media was reacting to me at all was puzzling as hell.  It was a hell.  If not for God I would have not been able to tell myself, day after day, no matter what they throw at me, I will fight. I felt like I seldom wrote anything that others had not already written before me.  T...