The constant repeating/some secrets you will only get in this entry
I had been writing of facebook for years, thinking my words needed to get out world wide. They had on blogs... they had on facebook... seemed to make no difference. My messages and even those I did not mean to send or think as messages, got across. I can only assume they will on this medium as well. The WATCHED ONE. I felt this way with the cameras, though I had no idea. The idea of being watched all the time is a form of torture, nothing less. Bars.
Odd memories come to me all the time, that make sense now though they did not at the time. One is that I was first placed in the category of being an ape. I am not sure what this category entails, though I could speculate... I just am not sure. My writing had been atheistic up to this point, then suddenly turned religious after the brainwashing. Many may have been acting on the assumption that I still hated religions and was going to try to destroy them from the inside out, or that might have been what I was set up to do?
Whatever they set out to do went awry, whoever they were, trying to use me. I think I know who they were now, though I would not say. I forgive whoever brought me into intelligence, forgive everyone for everything, in a way..... if I ever expect to forgive myself for anything, I have to start forgiving others. Not that I will ever forgive myself. I do not deserve forgiveness and have the sins of many on my hands.... the sins of hands I sent out to kill, or got killed. The ones whom I never meant to be harmed, thought my words had no effect, or little. I could see certain effects... I think of how many could have escaped harm had I been the one who designed this mission. Then I do not know what the soldiers did, and I know they fought for a noble goal... we may not have agreed on many things, but at least some of them wanted a better world, which is what I tried to make everytime you revealed another problem to me.
How I was perceived from watching my life, a hated intruder... has almost nothing to do with me. You think it did, but an animal under that kind of stress is not acting naturally. I never shouted at the tv or felt it had anything to do with me, just a distraction to forget the day which lied a lot, gave the old usa spin on every show and movie... What I did in ignorance, beligerance and wrath had nothing to do with who I am. I was stunned after hearing of this fighting and thinking, wait a minute... I tend to like all cultures, and am careful not to stereotype, and am a feminist and all these things, though I had written some angry prose as well. O made fun of me for this, and when they asked what I thought about that, well, it was obvious to see why he would think what he did, all things considered. At the time, I had little idea what had happened. I heard of the mistakes of people who thought I was on one side when I was on another... or felt both had agendas I could take, and others I could not. I was never given these choices.
My spy buddy told me to watch a show DOMINION, about vegas and Colorado fighting, with the humans in vegas and the lower, violent angels in Colorado. I knew that the people who fought on my side had gone to Colorado, and heard talk of the state, though I knew nothing about it, other than an early report that I wanted Colorado after I watched Jeremiah Johnson a few times. I was not trying to send a message, though it was a good strategic place to hold out.... I also at one point, out of ignorance and the will of God, I declared war on the criminals who had used me, and evidently stolen from people all over the country, from what I had heard... I blamed them for many things they had done, as I blamed everyone a bit... mostly myself. I almost immediately thought I had made a mistake, shattering a promise that I would be taking over.... something huge... I blew it by saying to attack a more powerful ally. I thank God now because I would not want the people I was leading to be in power, continuing what was going on behind my back, or told to me and disbelieved, thinking my words had been made into violent metaphors on the tv shows I worked with, not that they could not begin to explain the troubles.
God wanted as much, stopped the unholy alliance behind me from taking over the world, and set me free to try to find my own path. I remember finding out about all these groups I was an ally with and said I was burning all the bridges, not catering to their beliefs that I did share... and if they wanted, they could build a bridge to me. Most of them had been torched from the other side already. I had noo control over how I was being portrayed to the public, though it appeared I had all the control in the world by being watched. I could only try to live a life under angry, intrusive eyes who watched me for reasons that had grown beyond me. I showed my ire toward the monarchies by slamming the English royal family, starting a war right from the beginning, by claiming I should have the English crone... in a way, though sure as hell not asking for it. I just thought it was interesting that my bloodline was more English royalty than hers, or so it seemed to me, true or not, at the time, and there is plenty of evidence pointing toward this. REGARDLESS....
I wrote how my words were bullets.... and bullets began to fall from the page onto floor, clattering brashly on the hard wood floor.
I REMEMBER one guy on a financial show who kept saying that I did not know what was happening, and I would say, yes, that is it... let me know. When I found out what bit I did I did not know how to react with serene reflection, to say the least. I was so used to being on fight or flight that I fought.... and then I WOULD RUN into some kind of denial, say experiences like mine did not just happen.... push the thoughts away.
Finally my denial was shattered by the interrogations, ten months of grilling about this and that, spies trying to entrap me, anything to get a fall guy for their grand plan that I had sabotaged by following GOD instead of orders, my morality rather than their temptation. That this worked is why my faith runs so deep, that I came out of my life alive.... no one was taking any odds on that happening, let alone me, who dared them to kill me.... I had no fear of leaving my body and doing this as a spirit, but that is not the way this plays out in my mind. Never ask a soldier to do what you will not do yourself, and only in the flesh is there any danger to me. Or something.... Speculation, I mean to avoid it, but on religious matters that is all we truly have, in my opinion...
The preaching of a spy. The fallen angels they tried to call me and others. Angels. I had never believed in angels and said things I did not mean about them... knew I was not one even waking up after the brainwashing I could not stand that thought. In the madness of those first few months I lied and performed and messed with the minds of the usa, or so I thought... a weird conflux of interesting events... a dream of euphoric glory of God ending in a bloody vengeance laid upon the people, a war to end all wars. Or not. Just a war. An uprising. Put down. The perpetrators confessed and gutted. I heard this from one source and I pray to God these are the false lies of the enemy, and they sand the only heaven is between a woman's legs... calculated to bring down the religious fever that had been sweeping the world, went on to win song of the year, playing the public.....
I do not want the extent of what I heard, either, though when I think of what has happened, as a result of religion, they are afraid of it. Rightly so. They have either gotten rid of all the religious, as was the grand plan of the left to destroy the base of the right, who were involved in the struggle, or... I do not know and what I do is best unsaid. The matter hurts like hell to write about, just took an extra dose of the pills that keep the demons as far at bay as possible, keep the monster within me chained... protect the broken poet who does not understand his use in this world anymore... a man who does not accept the manner in which others define me, like all true leaders... I HATED having enemies at first over anything.... and when I FOUND out most of this had nothing to do with me, that they hated some person I was not,,, they must have had no idea how ignorant I was to think what they thought of me.
I saw them once more drag out the joker on batman, and he had his face punched off... when I found out they were associating me with the joker I was pissed as hell. I was no criminal. I was nothing like the madman they were making me out to be, which is why ledger died, and that theater were shot up.... my friends could see what the billionaires were doing with their propaganda machine. They changed my face, so to speak, at one point.... I defended myself to them, explaining why I was nothing like that at all. I was pissed about the movie when I saw it, because there were plenty of illusions to me Now Gotham the new show had a JOKER, who had CULT and talked about the people rising up and taking down the bluebloods, which I certainly advocate, though in this case it was cute bruce wayne who lost his parents to evil people who worked for them... ugh... regardless, I wondered if sooner or later they would hit me. Fox is a weird channel, which I have found worked with me, then did not work with me, and in the confusion.... now I suppose they hate me? I do not care much, but Bruce on this also named his favorite animal, and said OWL, which is a reference to Moloch the huge owl that is worshipped at Bohemian Grove, and while this came out of nowhere and was not explained, that is exactly how they show themselves to those who have the knowledge to understand the context.
I hate writing about the tv stuff because it sounds so fucking insane. I sound insane to those who know about it for still feeling some disconnect from the reality of what happened, I forget too often how people are going to take something I write, that I cannot go back and edit like I would a story.
Two audiences always, though who know the real me and people who learn about this world from me. I have an incomplete view, no illuminati to point you toward, though I have met great families that control the usa and different parts of the military, I know of too many power bases to have yet processed all of their concerns, if I ever will? I am in a position where I am surely going to be asked to get back into the conflict sooner or later, whether it is caused by the actions of another or myself, I do not know. Everything is need to know.
Writing about this is like listing all the dead who you still ache for every time they enter your conscious, and I have many of them, human and animal alike... Not as bad as what others were made to do, and took it upon themselves to do... with the tattered scriptures spewed by a raging man, with an epic reason to be hateful toward the entire world... a husky you tried to train to attack only the humans you want, who just start attacking all humans when they realize the species is dangerous, which is why they cannot be made into attack dogs. I am like that. I was attacked in ways less physical than many, my tortures psychological, being trapped in a maze, kept from what was really going on in the world.
Told to watch a tv show about two sides fighting, and mine is demonized... always demonized by the media, now. I should expect the media to be my foe, because the billionaires in the oligarchy will always be in my crosshairs... my every effort taken to remind soldiers of the prize, what is needed to bring the wealth to all, instead of a protected few, who control the laws, and the arms for now -- until those under their command learn what they have to gain by joining us. The genocide plans go thru or they starve us out, make us serfs first.... as powerless as possible. What credibility do I have now? IN a way, what I have been thru has made me valuable to a solution, if only for the bargaining chips I bring to the table. This mentality has to be made by every family, that they will not feed off the others, but invite everyone to the banquet.
I do not think this can be done without violence. We have been colonialized, the USA, by a small oligarchy, by corporations that have been given life, so they can go down as the fall guy and leave all the people involved scot free.
The race war was raging and I had no idea. None. I knew there was fighting, but I had no idea this was about race. This was a night I wanted to rip off heads... a race war, the ultimate divide and conquer and the furthest thing from my thinking in the world... I was careful about race, believed that this was no way to judge anyone, believing I wanted to be judged as an individual, and I acted on the golden rule. I told them that they might as well kill me right then and there if there was no force that got all races and religions together, because I would not fight in a race war. The next day they showed a young girl crying, saying no one had ever said they would die for them before. I was very touched.
Oligarchy orchestrated world we are in, the races are still fighting on some levels. There were atrocities on all sides, the unforgivable seared into God only knows how many minds. I allowed vengeance as part of what I hoped was a peace package, justice for unspeakable crimes. I did not launch a witch hunt, a specific strike, using the weapon of the side I had to punish and offering it to their enemies, to take blood.... from some. Not all. A metaphor. A peace gesture. Alex Baldwin told me I came this close to getting him killed when I learned of the race war, and I responded that he had come that close to deserving death over participating in such shit.
They made a big deal out of getting the Irish connection away from me. I benefited greatly from their support though I would have used their efforts differently. One aspect I never agreed to, a group I did not know was in my shadows, I prefer to separate from, and they know this. I do not want blood shed. I do not know what was done. The bit I do tells me that which I thought were bitter jokes about what some group was doing, that I had not yet connected to me.
I thought I was watching the world doing something epic, and involving me, though I was never quite sure how. The voice of Jesus came to me and I wrote a book in the voice... originally on a blog, waking up jesus, if you google john scott ridgway and the elves attic you should get it... I was locked out of both blogs and if you read them and imagine a revolution going on at the time, and people worshipping a Jesus, who did not know he was considered a hostage in Chicago. What a thing, to discover the side that drafted you was racist, and you are not.... but the blacks have taken you hostage to piss off your racist 'family' and backers. I had no idea I had racist backers or I ..... well, I would have addressed them.
Recently I got the message that the blacks are on the side of the communists, who I represent, though I am religious, I do not care what another person believes, and am not out to recruit anyone, though if I can help people understand the scientific instances I have experienced, as well as the mystical, I think more would believe in a God of Love. Or some spiritual practice, as long as it is simple. But I do not care if they believe or not, that is up to them.
I may have some credibility left out there beyond the lies and terrifying you, before I understood you were not my enemy... I still feel very protective towards those who helped me the most, who informed me of hard truths, like supernatural... Took me a long time to understand what they were doing, though when I did the crack in my façade of myself as this revolutionary poet, drafting a book that the future would use to revolt with... and words of a new religion, to a degree... an update written under the gun, descriptions of scenes I had no story to give them a context with that made sense, at the time. Now I do.....
I heard the lie that I allowed my soldiers to be attacked, a complete lie. I heard that England was going into Florida, and the newscaster added, I guess the monarchy and the army are two different things, This made me think that their army had come to our aide, having no idea the extent of the rift between our side and England. It made little sense to me, except that it came during a racial incident in florida, which I felt for the black child against his Hispanic killer, who had broken all kinds of laws. I saw kids shot down all the time for racist shit and hate it. I did not realize that bubbling underneath this was an out break of war.... when the famous actor interrupted a marathon of his movies on Christmas to say a truck was named something after a general who just let the british kill all his troops. Nothing remotely like this happened to me. To be accused of such shit is exactly why I know I will win in the end, because I have the truth.... and in the end, that will bear out.
I thank my friends who have not lost all faith in me, have allowed me to grow as a human being and learn about this world before passing judgement on my actions. Your loyalty will always be returned in kind.
Odd memories come to me all the time, that make sense now though they did not at the time. One is that I was first placed in the category of being an ape. I am not sure what this category entails, though I could speculate... I just am not sure. My writing had been atheistic up to this point, then suddenly turned religious after the brainwashing. Many may have been acting on the assumption that I still hated religions and was going to try to destroy them from the inside out, or that might have been what I was set up to do?
Whatever they set out to do went awry, whoever they were, trying to use me. I think I know who they were now, though I would not say. I forgive whoever brought me into intelligence, forgive everyone for everything, in a way..... if I ever expect to forgive myself for anything, I have to start forgiving others. Not that I will ever forgive myself. I do not deserve forgiveness and have the sins of many on my hands.... the sins of hands I sent out to kill, or got killed. The ones whom I never meant to be harmed, thought my words had no effect, or little. I could see certain effects... I think of how many could have escaped harm had I been the one who designed this mission. Then I do not know what the soldiers did, and I know they fought for a noble goal... we may not have agreed on many things, but at least some of them wanted a better world, which is what I tried to make everytime you revealed another problem to me.
How I was perceived from watching my life, a hated intruder... has almost nothing to do with me. You think it did, but an animal under that kind of stress is not acting naturally. I never shouted at the tv or felt it had anything to do with me, just a distraction to forget the day which lied a lot, gave the old usa spin on every show and movie... What I did in ignorance, beligerance and wrath had nothing to do with who I am. I was stunned after hearing of this fighting and thinking, wait a minute... I tend to like all cultures, and am careful not to stereotype, and am a feminist and all these things, though I had written some angry prose as well. O made fun of me for this, and when they asked what I thought about that, well, it was obvious to see why he would think what he did, all things considered. At the time, I had little idea what had happened. I heard of the mistakes of people who thought I was on one side when I was on another... or felt both had agendas I could take, and others I could not. I was never given these choices.
My spy buddy told me to watch a show DOMINION, about vegas and Colorado fighting, with the humans in vegas and the lower, violent angels in Colorado. I knew that the people who fought on my side had gone to Colorado, and heard talk of the state, though I knew nothing about it, other than an early report that I wanted Colorado after I watched Jeremiah Johnson a few times. I was not trying to send a message, though it was a good strategic place to hold out.... I also at one point, out of ignorance and the will of God, I declared war on the criminals who had used me, and evidently stolen from people all over the country, from what I had heard... I blamed them for many things they had done, as I blamed everyone a bit... mostly myself. I almost immediately thought I had made a mistake, shattering a promise that I would be taking over.... something huge... I blew it by saying to attack a more powerful ally. I thank God now because I would not want the people I was leading to be in power, continuing what was going on behind my back, or told to me and disbelieved, thinking my words had been made into violent metaphors on the tv shows I worked with, not that they could not begin to explain the troubles.
God wanted as much, stopped the unholy alliance behind me from taking over the world, and set me free to try to find my own path. I remember finding out about all these groups I was an ally with and said I was burning all the bridges, not catering to their beliefs that I did share... and if they wanted, they could build a bridge to me. Most of them had been torched from the other side already. I had noo control over how I was being portrayed to the public, though it appeared I had all the control in the world by being watched. I could only try to live a life under angry, intrusive eyes who watched me for reasons that had grown beyond me. I showed my ire toward the monarchies by slamming the English royal family, starting a war right from the beginning, by claiming I should have the English crone... in a way, though sure as hell not asking for it. I just thought it was interesting that my bloodline was more English royalty than hers, or so it seemed to me, true or not, at the time, and there is plenty of evidence pointing toward this. REGARDLESS....
I wrote how my words were bullets.... and bullets began to fall from the page onto floor, clattering brashly on the hard wood floor.
I REMEMBER one guy on a financial show who kept saying that I did not know what was happening, and I would say, yes, that is it... let me know. When I found out what bit I did I did not know how to react with serene reflection, to say the least. I was so used to being on fight or flight that I fought.... and then I WOULD RUN into some kind of denial, say experiences like mine did not just happen.... push the thoughts away.
Finally my denial was shattered by the interrogations, ten months of grilling about this and that, spies trying to entrap me, anything to get a fall guy for their grand plan that I had sabotaged by following GOD instead of orders, my morality rather than their temptation. That this worked is why my faith runs so deep, that I came out of my life alive.... no one was taking any odds on that happening, let alone me, who dared them to kill me.... I had no fear of leaving my body and doing this as a spirit, but that is not the way this plays out in my mind. Never ask a soldier to do what you will not do yourself, and only in the flesh is there any danger to me. Or something.... Speculation, I mean to avoid it, but on religious matters that is all we truly have, in my opinion...
The preaching of a spy. The fallen angels they tried to call me and others. Angels. I had never believed in angels and said things I did not mean about them... knew I was not one even waking up after the brainwashing I could not stand that thought. In the madness of those first few months I lied and performed and messed with the minds of the usa, or so I thought... a weird conflux of interesting events... a dream of euphoric glory of God ending in a bloody vengeance laid upon the people, a war to end all wars. Or not. Just a war. An uprising. Put down. The perpetrators confessed and gutted. I heard this from one source and I pray to God these are the false lies of the enemy, and they sand the only heaven is between a woman's legs... calculated to bring down the religious fever that had been sweeping the world, went on to win song of the year, playing the public.....
I do not want the extent of what I heard, either, though when I think of what has happened, as a result of religion, they are afraid of it. Rightly so. They have either gotten rid of all the religious, as was the grand plan of the left to destroy the base of the right, who were involved in the struggle, or... I do not know and what I do is best unsaid. The matter hurts like hell to write about, just took an extra dose of the pills that keep the demons as far at bay as possible, keep the monster within me chained... protect the broken poet who does not understand his use in this world anymore... a man who does not accept the manner in which others define me, like all true leaders... I HATED having enemies at first over anything.... and when I FOUND out most of this had nothing to do with me, that they hated some person I was not,,, they must have had no idea how ignorant I was to think what they thought of me.
I saw them once more drag out the joker on batman, and he had his face punched off... when I found out they were associating me with the joker I was pissed as hell. I was no criminal. I was nothing like the madman they were making me out to be, which is why ledger died, and that theater were shot up.... my friends could see what the billionaires were doing with their propaganda machine. They changed my face, so to speak, at one point.... I defended myself to them, explaining why I was nothing like that at all. I was pissed about the movie when I saw it, because there were plenty of illusions to me Now Gotham the new show had a JOKER, who had CULT and talked about the people rising up and taking down the bluebloods, which I certainly advocate, though in this case it was cute bruce wayne who lost his parents to evil people who worked for them... ugh... regardless, I wondered if sooner or later they would hit me. Fox is a weird channel, which I have found worked with me, then did not work with me, and in the confusion.... now I suppose they hate me? I do not care much, but Bruce on this also named his favorite animal, and said OWL, which is a reference to Moloch the huge owl that is worshipped at Bohemian Grove, and while this came out of nowhere and was not explained, that is exactly how they show themselves to those who have the knowledge to understand the context.
I hate writing about the tv stuff because it sounds so fucking insane. I sound insane to those who know about it for still feeling some disconnect from the reality of what happened, I forget too often how people are going to take something I write, that I cannot go back and edit like I would a story.
Two audiences always, though who know the real me and people who learn about this world from me. I have an incomplete view, no illuminati to point you toward, though I have met great families that control the usa and different parts of the military, I know of too many power bases to have yet processed all of their concerns, if I ever will? I am in a position where I am surely going to be asked to get back into the conflict sooner or later, whether it is caused by the actions of another or myself, I do not know. Everything is need to know.
Writing about this is like listing all the dead who you still ache for every time they enter your conscious, and I have many of them, human and animal alike... Not as bad as what others were made to do, and took it upon themselves to do... with the tattered scriptures spewed by a raging man, with an epic reason to be hateful toward the entire world... a husky you tried to train to attack only the humans you want, who just start attacking all humans when they realize the species is dangerous, which is why they cannot be made into attack dogs. I am like that. I was attacked in ways less physical than many, my tortures psychological, being trapped in a maze, kept from what was really going on in the world.
Told to watch a tv show about two sides fighting, and mine is demonized... always demonized by the media, now. I should expect the media to be my foe, because the billionaires in the oligarchy will always be in my crosshairs... my every effort taken to remind soldiers of the prize, what is needed to bring the wealth to all, instead of a protected few, who control the laws, and the arms for now -- until those under their command learn what they have to gain by joining us. The genocide plans go thru or they starve us out, make us serfs first.... as powerless as possible. What credibility do I have now? IN a way, what I have been thru has made me valuable to a solution, if only for the bargaining chips I bring to the table. This mentality has to be made by every family, that they will not feed off the others, but invite everyone to the banquet.
I do not think this can be done without violence. We have been colonialized, the USA, by a small oligarchy, by corporations that have been given life, so they can go down as the fall guy and leave all the people involved scot free.
The race war was raging and I had no idea. None. I knew there was fighting, but I had no idea this was about race. This was a night I wanted to rip off heads... a race war, the ultimate divide and conquer and the furthest thing from my thinking in the world... I was careful about race, believed that this was no way to judge anyone, believing I wanted to be judged as an individual, and I acted on the golden rule. I told them that they might as well kill me right then and there if there was no force that got all races and religions together, because I would not fight in a race war. The next day they showed a young girl crying, saying no one had ever said they would die for them before. I was very touched.
Oligarchy orchestrated world we are in, the races are still fighting on some levels. There were atrocities on all sides, the unforgivable seared into God only knows how many minds. I allowed vengeance as part of what I hoped was a peace package, justice for unspeakable crimes. I did not launch a witch hunt, a specific strike, using the weapon of the side I had to punish and offering it to their enemies, to take blood.... from some. Not all. A metaphor. A peace gesture. Alex Baldwin told me I came this close to getting him killed when I learned of the race war, and I responded that he had come that close to deserving death over participating in such shit.
They made a big deal out of getting the Irish connection away from me. I benefited greatly from their support though I would have used their efforts differently. One aspect I never agreed to, a group I did not know was in my shadows, I prefer to separate from, and they know this. I do not want blood shed. I do not know what was done. The bit I do tells me that which I thought were bitter jokes about what some group was doing, that I had not yet connected to me.
I thought I was watching the world doing something epic, and involving me, though I was never quite sure how. The voice of Jesus came to me and I wrote a book in the voice... originally on a blog, waking up jesus, if you google john scott ridgway and the elves attic you should get it... I was locked out of both blogs and if you read them and imagine a revolution going on at the time, and people worshipping a Jesus, who did not know he was considered a hostage in Chicago. What a thing, to discover the side that drafted you was racist, and you are not.... but the blacks have taken you hostage to piss off your racist 'family' and backers. I had no idea I had racist backers or I ..... well, I would have addressed them.
Recently I got the message that the blacks are on the side of the communists, who I represent, though I am religious, I do not care what another person believes, and am not out to recruit anyone, though if I can help people understand the scientific instances I have experienced, as well as the mystical, I think more would believe in a God of Love. Or some spiritual practice, as long as it is simple. But I do not care if they believe or not, that is up to them.
I may have some credibility left out there beyond the lies and terrifying you, before I understood you were not my enemy... I still feel very protective towards those who helped me the most, who informed me of hard truths, like supernatural... Took me a long time to understand what they were doing, though when I did the crack in my façade of myself as this revolutionary poet, drafting a book that the future would use to revolt with... and words of a new religion, to a degree... an update written under the gun, descriptions of scenes I had no story to give them a context with that made sense, at the time. Now I do.....
I heard the lie that I allowed my soldiers to be attacked, a complete lie. I heard that England was going into Florida, and the newscaster added, I guess the monarchy and the army are two different things, This made me think that their army had come to our aide, having no idea the extent of the rift between our side and England. It made little sense to me, except that it came during a racial incident in florida, which I felt for the black child against his Hispanic killer, who had broken all kinds of laws. I saw kids shot down all the time for racist shit and hate it. I did not realize that bubbling underneath this was an out break of war.... when the famous actor interrupted a marathon of his movies on Christmas to say a truck was named something after a general who just let the british kill all his troops. Nothing remotely like this happened to me. To be accused of such shit is exactly why I know I will win in the end, because I have the truth.... and in the end, that will bear out.
I thank my friends who have not lost all faith in me, have allowed me to grow as a human being and learn about this world before passing judgement on my actions. Your loyalty will always be returned in kind.
❤
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